Birthday

So I know that it's been almost a week since my Birthday (my Birthday is on December 18) but because this is my blog I am going to still write a little bit about it. So usually my Birthday has always been a special day, most of my life I feel like something magical happens on a birthday that feels different than any other day of the year. It's a day devoted to celebrating your life beginning on earth, it's not about anything else that has happened like a holiday, it's your day to be recognized for being alive. Then when I 26 something happened. Something shifted in me. I started to begin to really dislike my birthday. December is a super busy month for most people including me. It is the month youspend more money than you have, attend more parties than you have, and drink, eat, finish school and be busy busy busy. So 26 I just got plain tired. I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to spend money, I didn't want to do anything extra. And honestly I have felt like this ever since. I often notice that the day before or even the day of my birthday I just get depressed. I am afraid that I won't know how I am really going to feel about the day, if I will want to celebrate big or low key. Last year my parents were with me and I was feeling likenotwanting to do much, so we stayed home and just order pizza and watched a movie.
So this year the day before my birthday I was telling Elizabeth I am not sure what I wanted to really do the next day. I warned her that I might be sad. That week had been a little crazy with a 3 day intensive class and clinic, and being up late the night before, so I was tired. While lying in bed that night I just let myself cry and feel the sadness that right now in life my birthday feels like one more thing to add to the already crazy month of December.I woke up the next morning afraid still of how I would feel but was somehow (through some self-talk) able to be present in my world and really was able to enjoymy birthday. And thanks to good friends it really was a great day. Me andElizabeth went for a quick walk before it started to rain. Ate break fast at Briar Patch with Miranda and Elizabeth, went to April's shower, attended our class Christmas party and they even had a birthday cake for me! and then went to see "the tourist" with Elizabeth. It actually was not to shabby of a day.

So here it goes the last year of my 20's. May it be a good one...

The Beginning of the End

Wow what just happened?.... did I just register for my last semester at RTS? ... Hummm not sure what to think right now. This seems like a big deal. That felt normal and yet I found myself taking my time, since really who knows the next if ever time I will register for a class again. So this journey of Grad School in Seminary is taking it's final turn. I only have 5 months left here at this place.

The reality of life after here is starting to really sink in. I think of the Cards I have in my hand to play. Where should I go? What kind of counseling job should I look into? Where? When? After sitting in Chuck's class this week, there has been a desire to wonder if I should stay near to this "Womb"... Would it be a good idea to play the stay in Florida card and get supervision from probably the best Supervisor's anyone could ask for? Should I play the go to San Francisco card and sit under Chuck's guidance and leading? Should I play the go to Texas card and probably be able to afford to live alone? Texas is a known place with some known people and that is a pretty big card.

Thank you, to You. Thanks for taking time to read this blog as I have and continued to go through this thing. I hope to have moments where I just stop and enjoy this place, parts of me want this to go by, and many other parts of me want the next 5 months to be slow and long.

So the beginning of the End of this chapter of my life happens.

Feels like Christmas

It's been a long last three days. I just took our Systematic Theology and Counseling class With Chuck DeGroat, he is simply put... an amazing proff. But it feels like Christmas because last year the Fall Semester ended with a 3 day class with him. I have gone to do the yearly Christmas shopping and there is a hustle and bustle that is quite noticeable.

Last night me and my roomie/friend Elizabeth went for a cool night walk it was so cold that our faces got a little red. The town I live in does this Christmas tradition where the Fire Fighters put Santa on their Fire Truck and go through the neighborhood and throw candy. So last night we got to see Santa, it was fun. Then walked home and drank hot coco and swirled it with a candy cane.

Finals Finished

Well I did it! I just turned in my last two papers for my final Fall Semester! gosh that feels good to say. I actually still have one more class to finish. It will be for three days December 13-15 and I am hoping that Chuck doesn't assign too much.

It's so crazy to think I only have one more semester left here WOW. I still have moments where I actually can't believe this is really happening. I am really in Seminary, I am really in Graduate School. I am really FOR REAL seeing clients and providing counseling services to individuals.

Though I am glad to be done, this day, this day has had a rough start. Last night I was up late for a good reason. I was skyping with my dear Hanai Grandma Lila and got to interview her for a class assignment. It was fun to see her face and talk story with her, but it made me miss her and made me miss Hawaii. So I had some trouble falling asleep. Then the morning... I got to school and realized that I had left my cell phone at home, I wore my house shoe out instead of putting on the shoes i had intended to wear, I left my special Starbucks cup, I left my lipstick I wanted to wear, I left my sunglasses, I left this book I wanted to look at, I left my watch. Then I had a moment where I thought I lost this paper I had wrote yesterday that was due today, but luckily I had a classmate help me find it! thank God. So it's kind of been one of those "No good, Terribly, Horrible, Very Bad Day's". But it did bring me much joy to turn those papers in.

Other Life Hap's, Tomorrow is our Clinical Review. This is where you sit before every supervisor at RTS and they give you 15 min feed back. While they keep telling us it's no big deal and not to worry, something about having lots of very important people looking at you, listening to you, watching you answer questions makes me kind of nervous. Maybe I will try to blog about that sometime after tomorrow.

A Christmas Surprise

So if you have been reading my blog you know that life's been a little rough with hints of some sweetness.

I have not blogged about Christmas because frankly it would have been too painful. I have been trying very hard to not think about Christmas a whole lot this year for many different reasons like my family is so spread out, my parents are far away, being single, just to name a few reasons . I have hated the normal question, "Lani what are you doing for Christmas?" I had planned on Christmas being me and my cats just trying to make it through the day. I had so many great kind offers for the holidays and yet nothing seemed to feel what my heart was aching for... my family.

Last week after a long conversation with my friend Elizabeth she said I should go be with my brother. So a week ago I bought a ticket to California, and was happy that I was going to get to see my brother.

This past weekend I had the most horrible dream. I awoke in a panic and filled with deep sadness, I missed my parents deeply and wanted to be with them terribly. Elizabeth was so kind to listen to my whole dream and hear me talk through life phases yet to come that I dread. Then we went for a nice Saturday walk and ate at the Oviedo Townhouse which is this cute little small town restaurant. Then enjoyed my afternoon doing a few things. I had wrote my parents an e-mail to call me when they got a chance because I just wanted to hear their voices. Then heading out to my evening I got a call from my mom, I shared with her about my bad dream then she said I am so sorry to hear about your bad dream but I have some good news. I was like what? She said we are house sitting for a couple in Laguna Beach, California for the holidays were leaving for California tomorrow, and so we will pick you up at the airport.... Silence.... I was in shock.. What? What's going to happen? I think I asked my mom to tell me again. I still can't believe it, I was planning on spending my Christmas alone with my cats, and now I will be spending Christmas with my brother, sister-in-law, niece, and my parents. I am going to be with my WHOLE FAMILY for Christmas. I was filled with gladness my eyes would not stop with the flowing of tears. I am thrilled to post on my blog, that I will be HAVING Christmas with the people i love more than LIFe itself, and I will not a "Blue Christmas" but as "Fabulous Christmas".

I feel so lucky, blessed, excited, and so relieved for my unexpected Christmas surprise.

Thanksgiving done differently

Here are just a few pictures of my Fall season. It started out with a trip to IN to visit my cousin, and taking her two boys to a Pumpkin Patch. It was true Fall.

Then back in Orlando. Me, Elizabeth and Cheryl made the most amazing carmel apples. They were Really Delicious if I must say so myself.

Then Thanksgiving day started out early. I was up @ 6:00a.m. getting ready for my 2nd Turkey Trot with Elizabeth. I did not train as much actually I didn't really train at all for this race so my body was feeling it later that day. But it was a fun race to do, i might just make this my new tradition.

So since it's been quite the month. After talking with my roommate and dearest friend Elizabeth we decided to do something totally different and crazy for Thanksgiving. So my Thanksgiving was spent at the Marriott Resort. I spent my thanksgiving day laying by the pool, reading my Martha Magazine, and just chilling. The evening was spent enjoying a bottle of prosecco, eating a delicious bacon burger, sharing what we are thankful for, and having carrot cake in a king size comfy bed. Then at 12:30 a.m. the fire alarm went off and we had to evacuate the building. The fire alarm was THE MOST ANNOYING SOUND EVER!. But no worries all was fine, it just was hard to fall back asleep. It will be a thanksgiving I will never forget!

So now I am in South Carolina enjoying chilling and relaxing while Elizabeth does her wedding stuff. It has been a one of kind weekend so thankful for friends and for crazy last minute ideas that make life rich and full

My Banner

Due to some thoughts and reading of others thoughts. I have decided I think I am ready to share one of my life's banner on my blog.

My Banner : "Christians don't Lament Enough"

I am drawn to Christians that Lament. When I hear someone lamenting, I get encouraged, excited, it makes me feel normal. Somehow (my experience) I feel that as Christians we are to rejoice, give thanks, and make a joyful noise... more than we are to Lament. HOLD on. I am not saying that those things are wrong. But we live in a Fallen world, this is not Heaven. I hardly ever walk into church and hear people Lament, I mean really feeling the intensity of really Letting God hear our REAL thoughts about life.

I recently was asked the question to fill in the blank.

God is _______________________

I think the church teaches me to say things like Good, Mighty, Wonderful. But I wonder what if no one was looking, what if no one could hear you, what if you let your true self be heard. How would you answer the question?

Other thoughts...

Last night i asked my friend about heaven on earth. She said that there are echos of it, for tastes. I asked so when? where? how? have you experienced the echos and for tastes? Her response was in nature, mountains, sunsets, standing in the middle of a forest. In conversations with friends, laughter with others, being heard. She also mentioned having a good meal and eating food that is so Ono (Hawaiian for good), so delicious and tasty.

Question: do you hear the Echos of Heaven do experience for tastes?

somehow I feel this post it just the start of one ongoing long post

A Hard Place to be

To just be honest. This place, this season, this life is nothing short of just plain down right HARD!

In talking with some dear people in my life I keep hearing this life just is not the way it's suppose to be. Due to some great Words of my dear friends that keep ringing in my ears I want to write out some words of things that feel hard in my life right now.

It's hard.

To allow myself to feel certain things

To allow myself to hope

To believe in change

To hear certain words

To walk through certain seasons

To realize though I have done MUCH counseling in my life that there are some things that may never change in me on this side of heaven

To sometimes get up and face the day

To know how not to let certain things/feelings control you

To know what righteous anger means

To struggle financially

To trust in God

To believe in sovereignty

To let God's love for me sink in

To not know what will happen next in my life

To know when to set boundaries

To look at the depravity in the world

To speak to the dignity

To fight for justice

To let myself know what it means to really REST

To REST

To HOPE

To DREAM

To LOVE and be LOVED

"My God, this world is a hard place to live sometimes"

a quote I found today...

couldn't have say it better myself

A quote

"At the heart of all beauty lies something inhuman..." -Camus

A friend shared this quote with me yesterday and it left me speechless.

The last 24 hours have felt like a whirl wind. Due to feeling crazy I decided it would be good to read from my favorite book I am reading for school right now "Not The Way Its Suppose To Be". As I read I thought I need to put this in my blog. Here are some words from what I read today.

"The story of the fall tells us that sin corrupts: it puts asunder what God had joined together and joins together what God had put asunder. Like some devastating twister, corruption both explodes and implodes creation, pushing it back towards the "formless void" from which it came." -

"What are some features of this flourishing? As Christians see her, a spiritually whole person longs in certain classic ways. She longs for God and the beauty of God, for Christ and Christlikeness, for the dynamite of the Holy Spirit and spiritual maturity. She longs for spiritual hygiene itself- and not just as a consolation prize when she cannot be rich and envied instead. She longs for other human beings: she wants to love them and be loved by them. She hungers for social justice. She longs for nature, for its beauties and graces, for the sheer particularity of the way of a squirrel with a nut. As we might expect, her longings dim from season to season. When they do, she longs to long again.

She is a person of character consistency, a person who rings true wherever you tap her. She keeps promises. She weeps with those who weep and, perhaps more impressively, rejoices with those who rejoice. She does all these things in ways that express her own personality and culture but also a general "mind of Christ" that is cross-culturally unmistakable."

... her longings dim from season to season. When they do, she LONGS to LONG AGAIN... SHE LONGS to LONG AGAIN... long again...

Those kinds of moments

Ever have those kinds of moments you didn't expect? I had one of those this morning. I got on Face book, which I have a love hate relationship with Face Book. I didn't expect to see so many great photos of my friends and the level of cuteness of my friends kids are dressed up for Halloween. I got to see my Niece Dressed up as Alice in Wonderland, those pic's make me smile. It was a moment I didn't expect.

Then another picture of someone else who got married. This particular picture caused a moment I didn't expect, anger, sadness, hurt...

Somehow it hurts more to see pictures of people getting married when they have only been single from their first marriage for such a short time. Why does it hurt more? I am not sure, but it does. I didn't expect to have this wave rush over this morning, NO Not right now ...please

Then I checked my e-mail and got some of the sweetest comments from important people in my life. I didn't expect the kindness. I didn't expect to be so loved, cared and comforted by simple easy to say words. These people were just leaving comments and somehow they came at just the right time in my day, when I needed to know just one more time I am Loved, I am thought of, I am enjoyed.

Termination

There sometimes comes this time in counseling where things will change between you and a client. There comes the end. We refer to this in the counseling world as "Termination" . I sometimes wish there was a better word to describe this event. Termination sounds so harsh, so final, so not warm & fuzzy.

Sometimes clients choose when to end counseling. Other times situations in their lives determine when the end is. I know that one can't be in counseling forever but i wonder when is it ever "The Right Time" to end?

The program I am in here at RTS uses a "Relational Model" which I am all about except that with this model comes enduring pain and loss. I am taught to build a relationship with my clients, to do relationship in the room so that healing can happen. The problem is that I really do. Relationship really does happen I get attached to them I learn about their stories. Sometimes I laugh with Clients, other times I cry with Clients. We really do RELATIONSHIP in those rooms. In fact, the other day a classmate shared with a look of sadness that a client had terminated. Seeing the sadness on my classmates face meant that they had let relationship happen as well. I guess we really are at some level attached to those we sit with.

So because we do relationship with Clients then when they leave it hurts like in a real relationship. I didn't know that this would happen no one told me I would miss clients. BUT I DO. There are some clients that I miss sitting with, I wonder about them, I wonder how life is going for them. In relationships like my family or friends, when our time together has ended I can call them up, shot them a e-mail, or make plans to see them again someday. But with Clients I don't have that opportunity.

I just am left with wonder and hope for their lives.

Being Present

"Just be Present" these are words I hear often in my counseling program. I get used to hearing words like, be present, be curious, bring it into the room. Somehow I feel I get stuck in a routine or wonder if by saying or thinking about these words too much they loose their value. The other day I was doing reading for one of my classes and came across some words I thought needed to be posted in my blog, if not for you my reader for me someday to look back on get it's value.

This is from the "Catalyst On line" Titled: A present Grace: The relational bedrock of Pastoral counseling and care.

"The process of transformation in a person's life is not a fast one, and witnessing to God's love, grace, and forgiveness is less about words and more about a relational experience. As people experience love, grace, empathy, patience, and forgiveness in relationships, rather than merely words, they are profoundly impacted. Giving advice often comes too quickly and easily. Advice, when given, should come out of a prolonged time of being present with the other person. The difficulty with being present with someone, for most pastors and counselors, is the loss of control it entails and the anxiety it brings up about one's inability to "fix" others or ourselves.

Attempting to fix situations is much easier than sitting on the mourner's bench with the person."

From the book: Not The Way It's Suppose to Be,

"Everything's supposed to be different than what it is here". - Mac in Grand Canyon

Other great books I am reading for this class:

Theology The Basics By Alister E. McGrath

Not The Way It's Suppose To Be By Cornelius Plantinga Jr.

Can you tell I am a Seminary student?

A Train Ride

Why is it that the sound of the engine, the swaying of the car, and the rushing of the scenery while riding a train makes me feel so old world? How come we don’t ride train’s more often? I love my independence and the convenience of driving my car, but right now riding this train the world seems to slow down if only for a few moments as I listen to this train car rattle . Outside I see bright, orange, yellow, red, fall tress move past my window like some long beautiful, on going painting. Sitting on this train makes me want to write. Write my life, write my thoughts. Hearing the train horn and the stillness in this train car feels good to my soul.

I am riding this train into the great city of Chicago where I will be attending my former roomie and dear friend from Hawaii Stephanie Lawson’s wedding. I will be the maid of honor for the third time in my life. Each and every time has been just what it’s called a true “honor”. So sitting in the seat next to me is my brides maid dress, just chilling. I will get off this train walk a mile near the magnificent mile and get on another train that will take me to Stephanie’s parents house.

I am on fall break from school, and have taken a few of my vacation days from the clinic to have a vacation. I spent the last 5 days visiting my cousin and her new addition to her family. I think it’s amazing that while our lives are at two very different places we still need each other and want to be involved and in the know of what are lives our like. The bond I have with my cousin might be better thought as more of a sister type bond. She is the only person outside my immediate family that has known me my whole life and has kept up with my life happenings all my life. She is a Great mom. I can say this because I witnessed it all week long. But she is also a dear sister/friend.

While in IN I got to see and visit Michael and Suzanna Cover. I have known Michael since 7^th grade. I had not seen him for almost 5 years. It was so neat to sit with a friend and his wife and get to talk about life. It's neat to sit with people who really want to know about your life. It’s in moments like these that cause me to take awe of how crazy and amazing life is.

I wonder what it’s like for these people living near this rail road hearing the sound of it's horn several times a day. Out my window I saw an older lady sitting on her porch and she was waving at the train, I wonder how many times has she done that today? Will i ever get to live in a place where I will experience all 4 seasons.

Well going to close my computer and enjoy taking in the view and the moment of feeling old world like.

Summer of Weddings

This past weekend I went to my dear Friend in my counseling program Miranda's wedding. As I sat at the weddding ceremony I started adding up how many weddings I have been to this summer. That number would be 5! 5 weddings just this summer, and i am in another wedding this October for my former roomie Stephanie in Chicago. It has been really fun to be apart of so many people's big day. I love getting to celebrate with friends. It has been fun to see how each couples personality comes out in the wedding. Each wedding has been different and so them. The amount of time and creative juices that each couple put into their wedding day is astounding. I want to thank my lovely mom who bought me the dress I wore to all these weddings, YES I did I wore the same dress every time. So total weddings Lani has gone to since junior year of high school .... 79 weddings.

Friends & Road Trips

I have not posted in a long time, but I wrote this entry more than a month ago and thought I would post it.

The week's just keep filling up. Last week I took one of the most amazing classes ever, " Healing Metaphors" it was a packed week. Amazing Class all day then clinic all night. Then Thursday evening I got to see my dear Friend Damon. Damon and I led a small group bible study together for High School girls while I was in college. Damon is a mom with children my age but is very much considered to me as a Friend. Damon was in Orlando with her daughter and I got to see her last week. It had been about 5 years since I last saw her. There is something about seeing a familiar face of someone that does something to your soul. Damon thank you for all your love and support for all these years, and thank you for being a faithful reader of my attempt to keep a blog.

This past weekend I traveled to Rome Georgia for a wedding of one of guys in my counseling class. Me and my Friend Miranda (also in my counseling class) road tripped it. There is something that happens on road trips that just does not happen in most other settings. I feel like a long road trip determines a friendship. All it takes is a road trip to figure out either, yes you really are that cool, or just kidding. Well I must say this road trip confirmed what i already knew about Miranda, she really is a great friend who is that cool.

I also got to see my long time friend Deborah May. It was a good weekend.

First Year Done!

So it's official I have completed my first year of Graduate school in my counseling program. I am now considered a 2nd year. Last week I attended graduation. It was a cool, and weird feeling to know that hopefully in one year i am going to be in that cap and gown walking across the stage getting my very own diploma. After working at the graduation ceremony me and two very close friends went to a hotel downtown and celebrated with expensive drinks and good conversation. The night ended with a few unexpected turns of events and there was some dancing in the street done at 2:00a.m. It was a great finish to my first year.

Monday when walking into the break room the air seemed different. It hit me we really are the new 2nd years. We had gotten new carpet in the halls, the clinic got new couches, and we were starting a new year! Lots of new was happening. I then went into the video to see who was counseling and stopped to take a moment. Really I am doing this, I am really in a grad school counseling program, I am not just watching someone practice in just a few moments I will be sitting with someone myself. There are some people in Orlando that know me as their "Counselor". This may sound weird but sometimes I look at the mirror and have conversations with myself. Actually if I am honest I have done this since I was young. In the video room you can see your reflection in the two way mirror and I had a "Oh my goodness this is really happening to you Lani" conversation with myself.

So since I have completed my first year let me end with few words to describe what all the first year was like.

My First Year in the MAC program:

New

Hard

Humbling

Vulnerable

Exciting

Different

Refreshing

Confusing

What? Did all that happen in one week? Yes it did

A circus

Exhausting

Known by others

Knowing others

Insecurities

Heard well

Loved

Tears mean something

Possibly Hopeful

My first "Live"

Last night I had my first "Live". Going "Live" means that you counsel a client and your supervision group watches behind a glass window. So last night I had my very first "Live". Even though my group last night consisted of only two people I was still nervous. It was a weird feeling knowing that people are watching and listening to everything you say or do.

I love that in this program we have both individual and group supervision. And we get two different supervisors for each. I enjoy both of my supervisors immensely. Last night was so neat to hear so much fed back from my group. I was so touched by their words of encouragement and of stirring more curiosity in me for this client. The client I went live with has had a incredibly painful life. It is common for me to shed tears after sessions due to the stories this client shares with me. Lately I have been feeling discouraged about how much my empathy overwhelms me. Last night my group supervisor Roger told me the feelings I am experiencing are showing me where to go with this client. Instead of saying "Lani you should not feel so much for your client, it's not your pain, your here to help this client".

He encouraged my tears.

One of the most powerful things said to me last night was "Lani this is a hard client". I started to cry . I have not allowed myself room to say this is a hard client. Somehow in my head hard clients are those with personality disorders or are hard to work with. So because this is not the situation I have not placed this client in the "Hard" Category. But yes this is a "Hard" client for completely different reasons. Sometimes I think I need to give myself more room to just be sad for the depravity of this world that slaps me in the face over and over with people's stories.

So first "Live" was quite the experience. And again I am so grateful for my group and my wonderful supervisor Roger.

Stop and Enjoy

So about a week ago in conversation with friends on a bench swing it was stated that we have almost made it through our 1st year in this program! My breath was taken away.

A year really?

I have been watching and hearing those that are graduating talk about the excitement and the fear of what lies beyond here.

This place, this place it's not like any other place. I find myself often in conversation trying to figure out how to explain this place to those that aren't here.

I took a break the other day and sat outside and made myself try and soak up this moment. I realize that I have a whole year left here, but I am afraid it will fly by.

I was remembering having a moment my senior year in College where I thought I need to stop and soak in this moment before it passes me by. I went to a balcony that over looked most of the campus and sat at a table. I remember watching people walk around campus. I remember feeling the excitement of JBU and being in college. I remembered how many times I sat at that very spot to study, read, or chat with friends.

I think my moment the other day reminded me of that.

When am I ever EVER going to be in a place like this? Where is there a place that people will LISTEN I mean really LISTEN? Where is there a place where your poker face doesn't work like it used to? Will I have conversation's with people about beauty and mystery?Will it be ok if I have more questions than answers? Will the little things matter? Where will I ever find a place where metaphor's will be honored well? When are people ever going to ask "what are you thinking" and really want to know? Where is Christian lingo not going to work? Will I miss the head nods, the active listening, the questions behind tears, the pushing towards more?

I have this funny feeling I will.

I know I spend a lot of time talking about how hard it is here, I am being for real! It is so hard here on so many levels. Might I, dare I say it, miss it being HARD?

This place is unlike most places. I have met the MOST incredible people. I have had conversations i don't think many have. I have shed an obnoxious amount of tears. I have been able to try on some new ways of life. I have had ROOM!!!

What I did instead of studying

Here is what happened when I didn't want to study.

A few years ago my sister-in-law gave me these hilarious ties for my Cats. Somehow I have not stopped and put them on the girls. Then yesterday all the sudden in the middle of when I should have been studying it felt like the right time to do such a thing. So here is Haku wearing the floral and Kala with the stripes. Look at the cuteness!!

I took a risk

This past weekend I helped out with my Counseling Program's "Review Weekend". This is where all the applicants for the upcoming class came and were interviewed both individually and in a group. It is a BIG DEAL to be invited to this event and this weekend is A MAJOR PRODUCTION!!.

I was invited last year but took a risk and did NOT attend this weekend last year when the Counseling program invited me. After this weekend I now realize that was a huge risk because this weekend is really what this program is about. It's a way for them to see you and experience you in RELATIONSHIP. I feel more lucky and honored now that they took a risk/chance on me. In a one hour skype interview thought I would be a fit for this program.

I was so privileged to be apart of this weekend, and see what I missed last year.

It was neat to be on a panel where applicants asked some great questions. It was really fascinating to hear from my counseling friends how they answered their questions. It was good to be reminded of how much has happened in these past 10!! months WOW! Lots has happened.

I am so thankful this program accepted me.

I am so thankful for what taking risk's can bring.

A Found Score!!!!

Ok so I really should not be blogging right now. I should be reading, studying, or reading. But this is super exciting ... well at least this is for me.

Many times when I watch a movie, or show I will hear a score in the background that I want to have. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to find certain Movie scores to only find a soundtrack with every song from the movie but the scores.

About 4 years ago while watching a "sex in the City" episode I heard the most amazing music playing. The score gave me chicken skin. I have googled & searched for this score for 4 years. I have not been able to find anything. What I have done is played this part of the episode over and over so I could burn the song in my brain.

Then Oscar night I was watching the foreign films nomination and this movie called "Il Divo' was playing and all the sudden I heard it!!! I heard the score again!!

These past couple days I have been thinking about it and have searched, and finally today after much web searching, after 4 years. I have FOUND IT!!!

The song is "Pavane" which I think the name itself is so pretty. I have searched it's meaning and it means "a certain type of dance from the 16th & 17th century

Click on the link and enjoy a score much searched for.

Things to share

Do you ever have things happen that if you told people they may not believe you?

Well these sorts of things seem to happen to me all the time.
First example last week on thursday morning while driving to school I was singing songs from musicals and I thought I need to see a Musical again soon, cause I just love them. I was recalling my memory of seeing Les Miserables with a dear friend and how the roof fell and we had exit the building. We got to see Les Miserables twice that summer due to this accident. I was thinking of how much I love that musical. The though left and then went on my day. Then in Class on Thursday my proff started talking about Les Miserables and a song called " I dreamed a dream" I was shocked, but what I am I suppose to say, " YEah I was just singing my favorite song from that musical this morning "Castle on the cloud". I wanted to share the irony but often I think people may not believe me.

Second Example: On friday I had been thinking of my dear friend and former roomie from Hawaii, Joanna. I was thinking about her a lot that day. That night I had a dream about her having a baby. I had called her on friday to let her know I was thinking of her. I kept having her on my mind. Sunday she calls me and we get to chatting... wanna guess what she told me? .... She is going to have a baby! After I screamed I pondered now do I tell her that I just had a dream about her having a baby? Will she think I am crazy? I went ahead and told her anyways. She thought it was weird but neat that I had that dream. I have to admit I do wonder does she think I was made that up, cause that would make for a great story.

Third Example: This part will be bunch of little examples. Like the people I thought of over the weekend that called or texted me. A couple of conversations with friends here in MAC world that came out loud in class today. the way I could just feel my neighbours being irratated with my cats being outside to finding out from another neighbour yesterday they really are irratated.

So not sure what all this means, but thought I should write it out since I find myself holding back more than often from saying, "I was just thinking that"


Other fun tid-bits that have happened to me that make me smile:
- Yesterday I went running and these two old ladies were walking ahead of me. They saw me coming and parted one on each side of the side walk then they started cheering me on "GO, you can do to, Way to go" I thanked them and smiled all the way home. I hope someday when/if I get old I will be more fearless and say things to strangers and enjoy long walks with friends.
- I went home Easter Sunday with 3 potted flowers
- Enjoyed watching Miley Cyrus try to act in her new movie
- Learning dance moves to Justin Beiber song "One TIme"
-Getting a new hair cut and how much people do notice your face... it's been fun to hear everyone's reaction I have to admit I was not expecting that.
- friends sharing impersonations

With my Soul

A couple weeks ago I was having a particularly hard day and out of no where this Hymn came to my head quite loudly, "It is well with my soul" (in specific it was the Crystal Lewis version which I used to own)
I even started to sing it out loud in my car driving home. Then I paused, that is so weird, It is SO not well with my Soul!!!
Why am I singing this Hymn? I hardly ever have Hymn's running through my head, there are a few on repeat in my head but this is not one of them.

Then just last week this Hymn came across my path

Sunday I was visiting a church and then what song did we sing... none other than "It is well with my soul". I was once again struck by this Hymn. Every time this Hymn in sung in the company of others I can't stop my body from breaking out in "Chicken Skin". But even still I found myself getting bothered by the wording.
I know the History of this hymn and maybe I have not been impressed with it since learning the history. The writer of this Hymn if you already don't know first lost his son to scarlet fever, then lost his business, then lost all four of his daughters in a ship sinking. And how his wife survived the ship wreck is a tragic story. But maybe this is where I am different from MOST people who JUST LOVE THIS hymn. I found myself on Sunday while singing, wondering how much we would sing this song if he had wrote everything the same but instead the Chorus would be sung, "My soul it is heavy", "It is not well with my Soul" .
I am not trying to say that the writer of this hymn did not have a heavy soul. I think he had to have many a days that trying to write/sing that hymn was more than difficult.
I think it just hits me in a different way. I am not impressed with Christians who can't mourn, lament, and struggle. I think I am getting more bothered with Christians needing to tie a "But God is Good" bow onto to tragedy.

Maybe I am just not getting it?
Maybe I am missing the Point?

What if when Tragedy hits I don't/can't sing this Hymn or believe it?
What then?

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Evening

Right now I sit OUTSIDE! I have been inside most of this day. As I left the clinic tonight walking to my car I said out loud to myself, "What a gorgeous evening". I got home and decided I would sit outside since it's NOT freezing out and soak up this still quiet evening outside. I would have loved to have taken a walk but since it is so late I have opted for sitting on my back lanai with snacks, a book, and some soft tunes.

So then it just felt like time for blogging.

Since the last blog post I have found out that I Failed that Test I was studying for. Today I wonder can I really do this Master's Level Education?. It really is a miracle that I am here. I think people think I am just being hard on myself but the truth is school has never come easy for me. I have struggled with academics my entire life and now more than ever I want this world to work for me, please!

I am thankful for a quick encouraging phone call from my cousin, and a few chats with friends.

Well stay tuned for if I really complete this thing, this Maters of Art in Counseling.

This week I had my first intake, my meeting with a client by myself. It was with a teen.

The words I am using to describe that session is... "Beautifully Intense".

I love teens and getting to work with this client confirmed that in me.

I was explaining it to fellow classmates as a scene from the movie"Hook". There is this scene where this kid walks up to Peter Pan he mushes his face around and says "there you are Peter". Coming out of that room I think I found myself in this counseling setting. It felt great!

So Lani's life continues to be ... many things

Glad to have a some time to be still, quiet, and to sit outside and enjoy the cool night air

Boys and No emotion

Yesterday was a crazy day.

I did not feel well and was full of many FEELINGS. Go figure!

After trying to decided if I was depressed or not while sitting at my work study job. Two boys from my class, Joel & Alec came by. They stopped and said, "looks like death has come over you". I told them how stressed out I was about this exam. Then we stopped talking about my emotions and feelings. And started talking Exam review. They helped me for 2.5 hours. We got things done, accomplished, and studied. It was so nice to put touchy feely stuff on the shelf and just have no emotions.

These boys were so helpful, I started feeling better right after.

Alec was so helpful,kind, and encouraging. I was so blessed by them. And then Alec told me how he gets through class, and studying. I found out we learn they same way.

I thanked Alec, and he said "Lani you would do the same for me". I said " I'm not sure I will be able to do that with these classes". Then he said "Well then maybe you will help me someday in some other way".

I am thankful for times when Boys do no emotion and get things done

Another Big 1st

Today I offically saw my first client!!

So throughout the day I have had a little bit of nervousness. What if she does not come back? what if she cancels? What am I doing here? What?

The break room in the clinic was filled to the brim. I counted one time 15 people in the room and this break room is not a large room. I went got my DVD prep it for recording, came back into the break room and told fellow classmates, "This is my first DVD!! this DVD will hold my first session ever on it!"

Olivia is my 2nd year who is co-counseling with me, and she is just wonderful. We talked about what the evening could look like. As the hour drew near my heart began to race. Secretly a part of me wanted to just leave, but where would I go?... I could feel my self getting worked up with excitement and nervousness. I told Olivia I just need to step outside of the break room and be quiet for a little bit. So a few short min's in the hallway then she comes out and says, "Ready?" Am i ready? inside my head I am thinking NO, but I say yes, I go press record and we walk to get my client.

I was so nervous at first, so many thoughts flooded my mine. I think I even had a little smirk on my face. I kept looking at my client thinking, THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING, I am not watching, I am sitting in this chair, I am not on the couch!

It went better than I thought it could have.

So it begins, I will never again have my first client. This journey takes a turn and now starts a new course. It is a course I am unfamiliar with. I am still not quite sure what I think of this new course. What I do know is at one point during the session I forgot I was with a client in a counseling center. I deeply yarned to know more. In my head I kept thinking more tell me more.

Yet even in this evening of things going better than planned my own insecurities were there to remind me of things.

Ok new course ahead I know you hold things that will shock me, scare me, break me, excite me, bless me, and maybe mold me into someone

Seminary Stress

So I am sitting in a class and feeling the need to express my stress with being here in a Seminary class. I just finished reading the WHOLE book of Genesis, and really tried to remember and learn and keep up with all the important people, Abraham, Lot, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph. I memorized an outlined and felt like ok I am doing this I got this.

I get to class, and so far my prof has not talked at all about the stories of Genesis. ALL we have talked about is the structure the Form, the tradition criticism. DO I NEED TO REALLY care about that? What good is this going to do for my life to know the J, P, E, D? Are you so excited too? UGghhhh I am so frustrated right now.

Often maybe more than 89% of the time I am in these theology classes I feel stupid. I can't answer any questions, I don't know these big words, I can't follow much of what is talked about in class, and I leave always thinking I don't know anything about the Bible.

I read Genesis, things that I think are interesting to ponder: Why did God use circumcision? Why would God use the male penis something so intimate to a man's body? Why not just cut your hair or pierce an ear? I think it's something to notice that God used the foreskin of the male penis to make a powerful statement to his people.

In Genesis women slept with their father's or father-in-law's . One guy spilled his semen on the floor and because he did that God took his life. Men were hocked up, if their wife could not bear sons well then they get to sleep with their servants. I never read "and then his wife offered her servant and her husband refused to sleep with the servant". Abram saw a smoking firepot and a flaming torch pass between two halves of the carcasses (WHAT?). Getting blessed or a blessing from your father was a big deal. Many people got a name change.

My prof just answered my question... Why do I need to know this stuff? Because this stuff is how we know the BIBLE is truth!

ok I am still learning and trying to learn something hear at Seminary... Help me GOD

Thoughts on becoming a nun!

So I know I have not posted in a while. What can I say but my lame excuse of "being a Grad Student".

Due to deep processing through painful memories of life over the past few weeks this post will be of a random thought I have had running through my mind about a week.

The thought: What if I became a nun?

So really have you ever thought about it? Well sincerely I have never had a desire until about a week ago. I was watching Oprah and she had been able to show the behind the scenes life of a nun! I was fascinated.

They spend up to 6 hrs a day praying. What if I did that as part of my daily thing I did? What would transform in me?

They are silent at meals. So yes this would be a hard one especially for me! HELLO. But what if I did spend meals in silence? what would come out of that in this extreme extravert?

They are already married. They know their destiny. What if I knew for certain I will not be married? would that bring a sense of peace? If I became a nun and people knew I was going to be celibate would people then stop asking me "those questions".

Honestly if everyone knew I was a nun I would not be asked, do you want to get married? are you dating anyone? how's the men in your life? don't you want kids?

Nun's they know their future, they live to serve, to give, to be daily saturated in truth, prayer, and meditation. They are married to GOD. They have community with others who share the same desire. They live simply. They seem to be at peace.

don't worry people I am not really going to become a Nun but maybe I would enjoy trying this way of life at sometime if only for a weekend.

I would love to get to sit with some Nun's and hear their words, thoughts, and wisdom.

I hope to someday get to do that

It's really happening!

Yesterday was a big day I wanted to blog so bad yesterday but by the end of the day I did not have the energy to write, or think about any more thoughts. So today I will try and put down my yesterday so I can remember it always.

I awoke on my own at 6a.m. my heart was racing today is the day!! Today is february 2.2.10 my first day to "be in the clinic". I hugged and kissed both my kitties. Turn on some jams, took my time getting ready. I dressed up for the first time in a long time. It was weird to be dressed up going to RTS. I started to get anxious. Why am I so anxious? I go to RTS almost everyday why am I so anxious? oh yea because something new and BIG is happening today. I put on my "wow" heels and head out to a new day of something I have longed to be doing for a long time. As I drive to school I am thinking this is crazy, every time I look down and see my skirt, heels, I get nervous and excited, this is really happening. I get to school and am thrilled to see faces of friends who are embarking on this journey with me. I go to my first class of Spring Semester, Couples Counseling. The classroom seems to be filled with excitement (or maybe just in my mind) we are all together again for a new semester. Couples counseling was like walking on hot coals. I was awe struck by my professor's passion for this topic, he was on FIRE, and it was amazing everything that was coming out of his mouth. I could not type fast enough.

then lunch with Cheryl where laughter and incredible words were exchanged.

then visits from other friends at my work study job. A simple moment with Elizabeth that pulled at tender parts of my heart. (Yes all of this happens in one afternoon here at RTS, its quite common for me to go through a range of emotions in just a few hours)

Then I ran over to the library to say hi to Lizzie and see what time she wants to hang out before our first group supervision. We had a picnic party out in the courtyard, so I went to that and saw and talked to a few people and realized I think this place is feeling more comfortable. Had some yummie food, then met up with Lizzie and hung out for a while.

Then we decided to go hang out in the break room, Lizzie went to get her bag from the library and she told me she would meet me there. I starting walking down this hall that I have walked down too many times to count, but yet today it feels different I am walking to the clinic, the CLINIC!! and then I run into Cheryl real quick, it was less than 2 seconds but i won't forget it. How neat that my walk to the clinic I see the smile on the face of a dear friend.

Then standing at the back door to the clinic I hoping i would not forget the code, but of course I do. Then from behind me comes Zach and I was like I knew I was going to do it wrong, he says, "you will have plenty of time to get it right". I walk into the clinic and I see the faces, of some great wonderful second years. Quiana, April, Kim, Rachel, I walk into the break room and all I can do is smile. I put my stuff down and try and find my cubbie. Then they all to leave to see clients and I am alone for a little while in the break room.

A flood of emotions comes over me. I am standing in the break room of my MY counseling program. I looking at pictures of people I know, I am seeing computers I will work on, couches that will hold memories of my own. I am actually in a counseling program! I made it. I start to tear up a little. Many of you know how many schools I applied to, visited, got rejected from. And I can't express to you what yesterday felt like.

Then we had group supervision and I am sitting among others who have such a passion for people. Fellow classmates who have such incredible stories that I get to hear. I love my group supervisor, and I feel actually too lucky to be able to have Roger. My first group supervision was incredible I am still thinking of things he talked about and we talked about. I feel safe in this group and that feels GREAT!!

hung out with a few 2nd years for a little bit, and then went home, sat down and let the day and it's memories wash over me.

Pinch me, is it really happening?!

Sun Mister Golden Sun

Mister Sun I have missed you. I have missed feeling hot, my arms warm, my face feeling sun on it. I miss the color in my legs. I seriously LOVE the sun!. I LOVE warm weather, with a breeze please.

Many of you know, but went to Freezing Minnesota for the Holidays, to return to Florida's most coldest winter since the 60's, YEAH just my luck right! so Lani who loves the Sun has missed her Mister Sun for quite sometime, and then this weekend Mr Sun revealed himself to me.

This weekend I got to enjoy being outside. I went on a jog yesterday with my dear Friend Elizabeth on a trail. This trail had me forgetting I was in Florida.

I wanted so badly to just lay out in the sun. I miss going to the beach. I Miss laying out in the sun. When laying out I find that i allow myself to relax, chill, not think so much, and just enjoy some tunes, and taking in the view, or conversation.

Since I had quite a few things to do yesterday I opted for washing my car. It was so fun to turn the radio on and get to scrubbing away while soaking up some sun. My neighbour's were out and got to chat with quite a few of them even made some dinner plans. I think everyone was happy to be able to be outside.

Then last night, and this morning it rained.

Mister Sun SUn Mister Golden Sun please shine down on me

Something different

So this week at School I am taking a course on Sex and Sexuality. Deep breath. yes I am taking a sex course at a Seminary, it is nothing like probably what you are thinking. I did not have clue what to think or expect but it's far more than what I thought would be the "typical Christian Sex talk".

I have so many thoughts running through my mind, things that I have never been challenged to think about and to be honest when I get home I just want to do a few things than I journal, sit, or just be still for a while. Usually I spend my evenings watching t.v. and doing little this and that. I have to say for the first time in who knows how long, I have no desire to watch t.v. so much has been discussed in class leaves my mind full of much loud thoughts that the T.V. kind of is another source of noise. I am not committing to not watching t.v. or saying anything is wrong or bad about t.v. It is me simply doing SOMETHING DIFFERENT! and for the past evenings it's been a nice little difference.

If you want to know more about this class please feel free to call, or write me I would be happy to share with you my heart as best as I can, but right now I don't want to write all my thoughts cause I am not sure about them right now.

Some thoughts to leave you with precious reader:

Sex is not what you do its who you are

What is your view on sexuality? Why? When did you come up with that?

Does your sex, sexuality point you to the God of Creation?

I hope you have more questions than answers... I ... sure... do

Little Women: I am so JO

So 2010. Welcome.

2010 so far has been me being sick. After we got back from MN about a week ago I got super sick. Then after coughing, blowing my nose, and feeling quite miserable I went to the doctor. Turns out I have Bronchitis, yippie! I have been taking some great med's and am slowly feeling better.

So in being ill I have done lot's of resting and being in bed. I have been enjoying watching "old world" movies, the other day I was watching "Little Women" and had a thought. I am JO! if you have not seen the movie than forget reading this blog entry. Jo is the sister who is energetic, wild, crazy, loud, obnoxious, frumpy, the one who speaks her mind. I am so JO! Every time I watch this movie I desire to be Beth. I want to be BETH. Beth is the calm, loving, caring, still sister. Beth's words are filled with much though she says little. Beth has a special place in every person's life in that family. Beth is the one who is usually siting back observing and enjoying herself, she doesn't have to be much. Beth loves her family and enjoys them and loving her family is enough for her. Beth is wise. Beth says she loves her family so many little times through out the movie, she is so supportive of everyone around her. Beth is gentle. She is like a breath of fresh air. I remember watching this movie before and thinking "that Beth I want to be like Beth". I never will be BEth I so am Jo.

Ok random entry I know but I have been nothing but sick for about a week so not to many deep thoughts have crossed my mind... other than analyzing myself and Little Women