What studying has revealed

So I am studying for the NCE (National Counseling Exam)... every. single. day.

Part of the section I was studying yesterday made sense to every part of my being.

Grief and Loss
1. Grief is the normal intense emotional state associated with the loss of someone or something with whom or which one has had a deep emotional bond.
2. Loss refers to many kinds of deprivation

Yes! that is it those are the words to what I am feeling and experiencing.  I am grieving many someones and somethings that I have/had an incredibly DEEP Emotional bond with.  My whole past two yeas has been about emotional bonding not just bonding. It has been about emotionally bonding with myself, others, and God.

I have also just experienced Great loss and am deprived of many things and it stings.

In trying to figure out how to be kind to myself in this season I have restarted counseling again.  I am so thankful for it.  Though I can't wait to be sitting with clients again I am thankful for the times I get to sit on the other end.
I also would like to thank Skype for allowing me to have conversations that feed my soul better than a phone call.  I have been skyping with friends and family through out the week laughing, crying, and just enjoying seeing their faces. Skype has felt like a kind thing to do for myself as well.

On a Random Note: I saw a peacock this morning

One month in Texas

 I have officially been in Texas for one month.  It is kind of hard to believe.  This one month can be summed up in one word "HARD".  I found out shortly after moving here that I have to take and pass the NCE (National Counseling Exam) in order to get my intern number.  If I was a better test taker, or just had more confidence in my academic abilities I might feel better than I do.  So what I have decided to do is to take the month of July and study.  I am making studying my full time job.  I will then hopefully take the exam in August.  I will post when I am going to take it because I can use all the prayers I can get.  

The last weekend in June we went to my cousin Ari's wedding in Rockford, Illinois. Me and my parents drove the 16 hour drive.  

Somewhere in Missouri 

My cousin Ari  

I spent the 4th of July with my parents at their friends house in North Dallas.  We had a gourmet meal and it was delicious.

Here is a my red, white and blue (the ring was a gift from my dear friend Miranda)

Here captures a picture of what my life looks like for the most part.  Studying ... Studying ... Studying

I have been able to take some breaks and visit with some friends which has been nice.  But, this has been a hard season in life filled much anxiety and sadness.  I miss my friends and my known routine in Orlando.  I hate that my purpose lies in passing this exam. In feeling desperate to feel some what better I googled the other night "anxiety stress relief techniques".  I am NEVER a fan of positive thinking techniques but like I said I was desperate.  So one of the things they said to do was make a list of the things that are good in your life.

Some of the things on my list:

Family that has supported me and continues to, Friends that matter a great deal, My cats, A working computer, a graduate degree.

i am slowing figuring out how to study for this HUGE test.  I am slowing getting a plan and routine to my days.  

Thank you all who actually read this thing.  I am trying to learn how to be kind to myself in this season and am sorry I just don't feel very fun and enjoyable to be around.  I am hopeful for October. I look forward to October as life will hopefully be more known.  It was good to read that transitions take about 6 months to settle into.  

Why?

Today there are no answers only questions....

Why?
Why God would you have me in this season?
How am i going to remember all of this information for the Licensing exam?
Why does uncertainty hurt physically and mentally so much?
Why ?
What am I do to do with myself?
Why does it hurt to see my friends in a totally different chapter of life?
Why does it hurt to even go to a wedding?
What will my life be in October?
Why do people in Texas drive like they have 9 lives?
Why am I single?
When will I feel myself again?
When will I want to dance again?
What happens now?
Why?
Why in the World would you give me such a strong desire to sit with others more than anything, grant me a Masters degree to only have to face more trails with doing what I feel You God have called me to?
When will I break completely?
When will I understand that your heart breaks just as much even more than mine for my pain?
How am I suppose to look at sovereignty right now?
Why does missing people Hurt me so much, so deeply, so intensely?
Why?
Why did i move here?
What am I doing here?
When will I feel fun to be around?
Where is the "it will be alright" day?
Why does depression make me feel irritable at everything?
Why does loneliness cause me to want to isolate?
Why?
When will I not live out of a suitcase?
When will my boxes be unpacked?
Where will I live?
When will I have a place to call "Home"?
Why do I constantly feel so tired and exhausted?

Why God? Why?