First Year Done!

So it's official I have completed my first year of Graduate school in my counseling program. I am now considered a 2nd year. Last week I attended graduation. It was a cool, and weird feeling to know that hopefully in one year i am going to be in that cap and gown walking across the stage getting my very own diploma. After working at the graduation ceremony me and two very close friends went to a hotel downtown and celebrated with expensive drinks and good conversation. The night ended with a few unexpected turns of events and there was some dancing in the street done at 2:00a.m. It was a great finish to my first year.

Monday when walking into the break room the air seemed different. It hit me we really are the new 2nd years. We had gotten new carpet in the halls, the clinic got new couches, and we were starting a new year! Lots of new was happening. I then went into the video to see who was counseling and stopped to take a moment. Really I am doing this, I am really in a grad school counseling program, I am not just watching someone practice in just a few moments I will be sitting with someone myself. There are some people in Orlando that know me as their "Counselor". This may sound weird but sometimes I look at the mirror and have conversations with myself. Actually if I am honest I have done this since I was young. In the video room you can see your reflection in the two way mirror and I had a "Oh my goodness this is really happening to you Lani" conversation with myself.

So since I have completed my first year let me end with few words to describe what all the first year was like.

My First Year in the MAC program:

New

Hard

Humbling

Vulnerable

Exciting

Different

Refreshing

Confusing

What? Did all that happen in one week? Yes it did

A circus

Exhausting

Known by others

Knowing others

Insecurities

Heard well

Loved

Tears mean something

Possibly Hopeful

My first "Live"

Last night I had my first "Live". Going "Live" means that you counsel a client and your supervision group watches behind a glass window. So last night I had my very first "Live". Even though my group last night consisted of only two people I was still nervous. It was a weird feeling knowing that people are watching and listening to everything you say or do.

I love that in this program we have both individual and group supervision. And we get two different supervisors for each. I enjoy both of my supervisors immensely. Last night was so neat to hear so much fed back from my group. I was so touched by their words of encouragement and of stirring more curiosity in me for this client. The client I went live with has had a incredibly painful life. It is common for me to shed tears after sessions due to the stories this client shares with me. Lately I have been feeling discouraged about how much my empathy overwhelms me. Last night my group supervisor Roger told me the feelings I am experiencing are showing me where to go with this client. Instead of saying "Lani you should not feel so much for your client, it's not your pain, your here to help this client".

He encouraged my tears.

One of the most powerful things said to me last night was "Lani this is a hard client". I started to cry . I have not allowed myself room to say this is a hard client. Somehow in my head hard clients are those with personality disorders or are hard to work with. So because this is not the situation I have not placed this client in the "Hard" Category. But yes this is a "Hard" client for completely different reasons. Sometimes I think I need to give myself more room to just be sad for the depravity of this world that slaps me in the face over and over with people's stories.

So first "Live" was quite the experience. And again I am so grateful for my group and my wonderful supervisor Roger.

Stop and Enjoy

So about a week ago in conversation with friends on a bench swing it was stated that we have almost made it through our 1st year in this program! My breath was taken away.

A year really?

I have been watching and hearing those that are graduating talk about the excitement and the fear of what lies beyond here.

This place, this place it's not like any other place. I find myself often in conversation trying to figure out how to explain this place to those that aren't here.

I took a break the other day and sat outside and made myself try and soak up this moment. I realize that I have a whole year left here, but I am afraid it will fly by.

I was remembering having a moment my senior year in College where I thought I need to stop and soak in this moment before it passes me by. I went to a balcony that over looked most of the campus and sat at a table. I remember watching people walk around campus. I remember feeling the excitement of JBU and being in college. I remembered how many times I sat at that very spot to study, read, or chat with friends.

I think my moment the other day reminded me of that.

When am I ever EVER going to be in a place like this? Where is there a place that people will LISTEN I mean really LISTEN? Where is there a place where your poker face doesn't work like it used to? Will I have conversation's with people about beauty and mystery?Will it be ok if I have more questions than answers? Will the little things matter? Where will I ever find a place where metaphor's will be honored well? When are people ever going to ask "what are you thinking" and really want to know? Where is Christian lingo not going to work? Will I miss the head nods, the active listening, the questions behind tears, the pushing towards more?

I have this funny feeling I will.

I know I spend a lot of time talking about how hard it is here, I am being for real! It is so hard here on so many levels. Might I, dare I say it, miss it being HARD?

This place is unlike most places. I have met the MOST incredible people. I have had conversations i don't think many have. I have shed an obnoxious amount of tears. I have been able to try on some new ways of life. I have had ROOM!!!