The very fact that I have not posted anything on my blog in months just shows me how BUSY life has become. I have sat down to write several times and just said forget it. I have put "Post a Blog Entry" on my list of things to do each week and have yet to check off till today.
"Where have you been?" ... seems to be the question I feel like I get asked a lot lately.
So where have i been? why have you not heard from me? Well to be quite honest I have been working.
I now work Monday to Monday.
I continue to work as a substance abuse counselor Monday - Friday from 5:30am - 2:00pm.
I study with a friend each Tuesday afternoon for several hours for my licensing exam that I plan to take again in November.
I have supervision each Thursday for an hour, and Group Supervision the last Wednesday of each month.
I work at an In -Treatment residential facility for eating disorders Saturday and Sunday 7:00am - 3:00pm. I have house sat for 3 different families this summer. I have taught some swimming lessons for a family in my small group. And Once in a while I baby sit.
I know it sounds like a whole lot. And it is. But truth is, I need the money. In my unemployment months I accrued a significant amount of debt and I am working very hard to get that paid off. I need 3,000 direct hours of client contact to work towards getting my license so I also need the hours. For now this is my new season of life. I remember when I wasn't working how much I longed for something to do... now i have plenty to do. For the most part I enjoy what i am doing. I am getting a lot of experience in a lot of different things. And honestly I enjoy the other odd jobs of baby sitting and house sitting because they are totally different from my day jobs.
Some days are harder than others in having this schedule. I am trying my best to make sure to do some fun things when I am not working to maintain some quality of LIFE. Other days I just want to lay down and rest. I try to remind myself that this won't last forever and someday I will get to have weekends again but like I said some days are better than others.
How crazy is this...
I have a Masters degree and an associate license in counseling and I am making the least amount of money I have every made professionally.
And it's odd that with the amount of busy that has happened how much my longing for a man in my life has been stirred up.
I long for someone to share the financial burden with. I long for there to be someone else to make life's decisions with. I long for someone to help me bare the burden's of life with. I know that marriage is hard, messy, and not perfect. But I can't help but think of what life would be like if someone was apart of this with me. I know that if I was married I may not have been able to do all the things I have done like go to Seminary, move to wherever I want, work all these hours, etc. But I don't know that I want all this freedom all the time. I know it may sound crazy but sometimes I wish I had someone to argue with besides myself. I wish I had someone else to decide what to get at the grocery store. I wish I had someone else's laundry to fold. I wish that when I opened a suitcase for a trip it had his clothing packed along side mine. I wish when I planned a trip I had to think of two tickets instead of one. I still long for man in my life ... and I get afraid that the amount of work I have taken on will prevent this from happening.
To all of you who read this blog. Thank you. I appreciate you and your wanting to know what's happening in my life. thank you to all who have nudged me to keep it up.
8.14.2012
6.20.2012
My prodical kitty
Many of you know who read my blog know that I have two cats. I got my cats in Hawaii and they have been my travel companions through all these different transitions. My cats moved with me from Hawaii, Florida, Texas, and now Alabama (and all the moves within each of these places). They have been sometimes the only constant thing in my life. There were some days in this past year feeding them is what got me out of bed. I know this all must sound crazy. I realize that my cats are not humans. I know that they are pets. Truth is they have been a part of my life everyday in some way these past 6 years. I have stories .. crazy stories about each of my kitties.
So here is another one.
June 3: I was cleaning my apartment and had left the back door and front door to my apartment open. The kitties were hanging out on the steps as they usually do. I had been cleaning for a few hours and noticed that Haku was missing. It was no big deal they go out a lot and sometimes they are gone a few hours. But then a huge storm blew threw and I was sad that she was not in. I went to church and a dinner and expected to see her when I got home... I didn't. The rest of the night till 2:00 a.m. I looked for her and waited on the couch by the door hoping she would pop her head in the window to meow at me to let her in...
the next few days were spent calling animal shelters, vets, animal control, walking for hours in my neighborhood, and frankly a lot of crying. I was shocked at how sad I was. I was exhausted from constantly checking my doors and thinking of what else I could be doing that would bring her home. I was mad that I had moved her so many times and that if I hadn't moved to Alabama maybe she wouldn't be missing.
After a full week of her missing I couldn't help but think she was dead. But I kept hearing these crazy stories of cats missing for days or weeks and then showing up. I tried to hope but it was minimal.
June 12: I woke up and got out of bed hating my life. There had been a huge storm that night before and I had only gotten about 2 hours of sleep. I checked the front and back door as usual and no Haku. I was getting my lunch together when all of the sudden I heard a meow. I ran to the back door and in walks my cat!!
AFTER 9 Days of missing ... here she was in my kitchen. I swept her up into my arms and cried. I noticed she was so light and frail. She had a few sores but no broken bones.
So here is another one.
June 3: I was cleaning my apartment and had left the back door and front door to my apartment open. The kitties were hanging out on the steps as they usually do. I had been cleaning for a few hours and noticed that Haku was missing. It was no big deal they go out a lot and sometimes they are gone a few hours. But then a huge storm blew threw and I was sad that she was not in. I went to church and a dinner and expected to see her when I got home... I didn't. The rest of the night till 2:00 a.m. I looked for her and waited on the couch by the door hoping she would pop her head in the window to meow at me to let her in...
the next few days were spent calling animal shelters, vets, animal control, walking for hours in my neighborhood, and frankly a lot of crying. I was shocked at how sad I was. I was exhausted from constantly checking my doors and thinking of what else I could be doing that would bring her home. I was mad that I had moved her so many times and that if I hadn't moved to Alabama maybe she wouldn't be missing.
After a full week of her missing I couldn't help but think she was dead. But I kept hearing these crazy stories of cats missing for days or weeks and then showing up. I tried to hope but it was minimal.
June 12: I woke up and got out of bed hating my life. There had been a huge storm that night before and I had only gotten about 2 hours of sleep. I checked the front and back door as usual and no Haku. I was getting my lunch together when all of the sudden I heard a meow. I ran to the back door and in walks my cat!!
AFTER 9 Days of missing ... here she was in my kitchen. I swept her up into my arms and cried. I noticed she was so light and frail. She had a few sores but no broken bones.
Here are pictures I took right after she walked in. She just ate and ate.
My kitty that had been lost came home.
It was the best day. I literally spent my evening just staring at her. I was so happy! and relieved.
hoping this didn't all sound too crazy cat lady like.
5.21.2012
A year
Today marks one year since I graduated from seminary where this whole blog thing started.
So since May 21 ,2011 I have ...
Moved to several states (Texas , Alabama)
Took a huge test
Turned 30
Started a job working in drug addiction
Moved to another apartment in Birmingham
Got my ALC ( associate licensed counselor)
And Started another part time job working with eating disorders at inpatient treatment center.
I still miss sometimes sitting in a classroom, being in Seminary.
I miss my class. I miss feeling a sense of really clear direction.
I guess I just wanted to take a moment to remember this day that for me one year ago was my life biggest accomplishment.
So since May 21 ,2011 I have ...
Moved to several states (Texas , Alabama)
Took a huge test
Turned 30
Started a job working in drug addiction
Moved to another apartment in Birmingham
Got my ALC ( associate licensed counselor)
And Started another part time job working with eating disorders at inpatient treatment center.
I still miss sometimes sitting in a classroom, being in Seminary.
I miss my class. I miss feeling a sense of really clear direction.
I guess I just wanted to take a moment to remember this day that for me one year ago was my life biggest accomplishment.
5.20.2012
Hope
"hope is more than saying, 'it will all be Ok'. As we'll see, suffering and struggle is very much a part of the journey toward freedom. But a hopeful vision dares to defy the voices of despair." - Chuck DeGroat book leaving Egypt
5.15.2012
Repentance
I have heard a great many meanings to the word " Repentance".
But today I decided on the meaning I am going to stick with.
" repentance is not changing
Its agreeing with God that your screwed up" - Steve Brown
But today I decided on the meaning I am going to stick with.
" repentance is not changing
Its agreeing with God that your screwed up" - Steve Brown
4.08.2012
Happy Easter
My Easter morning consisted of making hot cross buns for a church brunch and picking some flowers in my back yard at my new apartment.
3.13.2012
Who is that kitty in the window
This is not a deep or thought out post but couldn't help but take a picture and post it.
Love that my cats bring me smiles.
Love that my cats bring me smiles.
2.26.2012
Pathology ...
Currently my occupation is: Substance Abuse Counselor. But honestly I am more of a case manager/social worker.
I work with people that are addicted to some form of Narcotic. One thing I can tell you is the stories these clients have astound me. Intense disruption is just part of their everyday life.
After sitting with 30 some clients I find that these Ct's are incredibly insightful, introspective, and can read people EXTREMELY Well.
Pathology. I hardly ever used this word in my pre-graduate life. Now I find I say it and use it in sentences often. So what does Pathology mean? Well wikipedia defines it as "the precise study and diagnosis of a disease". But I have learned to think of Pathology as something that is not so precise. Last week I asked my friend Cheryl how she would define it. Cheryl said "I would say Pathology is what gets in the way of our relationships". Well Said!
So since being at the Methadone clinic I have developed a little bit of a theory about Pathology. My Theory is: The more Pathology you were around growing up = the better/quicker you are to read people. It is amazing how well clients can read people including me.
These clients did not attend training's or take classes. Many did not finish high school, but they can read you in a snap. Many of them grew up in homes where they had no idea what mom would be like, if she would even remember to feed them. They have had to learn how to read people so they can protect themselves and be ready for anything that comes their way. They don't trust me. They feel hopeless to ever being free of drugs. Mom still takes drugs, Dad is dead from overdosing, their siblings are in the same boat, their friends are in jail. One client told me that out of the 8 friends they had only one is still alive. I think Drug Addiction is a lonely addiction... maybe that's true of any addiction.
The other day a Client who has attempted rehab several times feels that they will never be able to be with out Methadone. They are tired of talking about it. I know the feeling. I once was venting to one of my beloved Professors in Seminary about this very thing. I feel like I have talked about my wounds and have struggled to know if I have really healed? I mean how many times can I talk about the same struggles, hurts, and pains? How many years have I spent in counseling now? ... ugh
His kind reaction were these soft words, "Lani Healing happens in layers, like an onion". "You did talk, grieve, and heal for that time, but because you heal in layers God will bring another layer to surface to talk, grieve, and heal from".
So I told this client that very same thing that was told me. And the client said that neatest thing.
Client: "Maybe like an onion we have to shed some tears when those layers come off, and maybe if you don't cry maybe your not really peeling off layers of an onion".
Me: (tears welling up in my eyes) "That is so powerful... ".
Maybe we have to peel at our pathologies to find out where more healing and grieving can begin.
I work with people that are addicted to some form of Narcotic. One thing I can tell you is the stories these clients have astound me. Intense disruption is just part of their everyday life.
After sitting with 30 some clients I find that these Ct's are incredibly insightful, introspective, and can read people EXTREMELY Well.
Pathology. I hardly ever used this word in my pre-graduate life. Now I find I say it and use it in sentences often. So what does Pathology mean? Well wikipedia defines it as "the precise study and diagnosis of a disease". But I have learned to think of Pathology as something that is not so precise. Last week I asked my friend Cheryl how she would define it. Cheryl said "I would say Pathology is what gets in the way of our relationships". Well Said!
So since being at the Methadone clinic I have developed a little bit of a theory about Pathology. My Theory is: The more Pathology you were around growing up = the better/quicker you are to read people. It is amazing how well clients can read people including me.
These clients did not attend training's or take classes. Many did not finish high school, but they can read you in a snap. Many of them grew up in homes where they had no idea what mom would be like, if she would even remember to feed them. They have had to learn how to read people so they can protect themselves and be ready for anything that comes their way. They don't trust me. They feel hopeless to ever being free of drugs. Mom still takes drugs, Dad is dead from overdosing, their siblings are in the same boat, their friends are in jail. One client told me that out of the 8 friends they had only one is still alive. I think Drug Addiction is a lonely addiction... maybe that's true of any addiction.
The other day a Client who has attempted rehab several times feels that they will never be able to be with out Methadone. They are tired of talking about it. I know the feeling. I once was venting to one of my beloved Professors in Seminary about this very thing. I feel like I have talked about my wounds and have struggled to know if I have really healed? I mean how many times can I talk about the same struggles, hurts, and pains? How many years have I spent in counseling now? ... ugh
His kind reaction were these soft words, "Lani Healing happens in layers, like an onion". "You did talk, grieve, and heal for that time, but because you heal in layers God will bring another layer to surface to talk, grieve, and heal from".
So I told this client that very same thing that was told me. And the client said that neatest thing.
Client: "Maybe like an onion we have to shed some tears when those layers come off, and maybe if you don't cry maybe your not really peeling off layers of an onion".
Me: (tears welling up in my eyes) "That is so powerful... ".
Maybe we have to peel at our pathologies to find out where more healing and grieving can begin.
2.15.2012
Valentines Day
I actually really enjoy Valentines Day. I know that most single girls hate this day more than most but I actually love it more than most. I have almost as much Valentines decorations as I do Christmas decorations.
This year I decided to use some crafty gifts my sister-in-law gave me to get my Craft on.
So Monday I baked. I baked 74 Cupcakes!!! I spent about 5 hours in my small kitchen baking up a storm.
I brought 2 trays of cupcakes into work for my co-workers. Then yesterday afternoon I dropped off a plate of Cupcakes to the Ver Hoef's, the Youngs, and the Finch's.
It was really fun! I kind of felt like a Valentine Cupcake Fairy.
I found myself singing "painting the roses red" from Alice in Wonderland. It was a little bit red heart craziness there for a little while.
This year I decided to use some crafty gifts my sister-in-law gave me to get my Craft on.
So Monday I baked. I baked 74 Cupcakes!!! I spent about 5 hours in my small kitchen baking up a storm.
74 Valentines Day Cupcakes
It was really fun! I kind of felt like a Valentine Cupcake Fairy.
I found myself singing "painting the roses red" from Alice in Wonderland. It was a little bit red heart craziness there for a little while.
Once again yesterday I was reminded of good things that are a part of my life I am building here in Birmingham. It was fun to see so many friends all in one afternoon.
I know this is kind of a crude, awkward cat photo, but I thought it was funny.
2.02.2012
A big thing
A big thing happened in my family this past week. My parents who have been living in the Philippines for the past 4 years moved back to the untied states of America. Dallas Texas to be exact.
It still hasn't quite sunk in that this really happened. It feels like they are just on another trip back to visit.
This was why I wanted to be in Texas to be close to my parents. It has been bitter sweet knowing this day is here. Sweet in that they are back but bitter in that I still have significant travel time to see them.
But they are on their way here to Birmingham to see me for the weekend. It will be an adventure for sure. We will be sleeping air mattresses. I am not sure how we will eat meals or even what it will look like to chill in the apartment with my limited seating. But I think my missionary parents can handle it. I mean they have had to sleep on floors in foreign counties .... This will be nothing ... Right?
I do wish I had a bed for them, a room for them,a table with chairs, and apartment that felt more like my home.
I am so glad they are coming.
I am glad they got to go to the philippines.
I am so very glad they are back.
Welcome Home Mom and dad!
It still hasn't quite sunk in that this really happened. It feels like they are just on another trip back to visit.
This was why I wanted to be in Texas to be close to my parents. It has been bitter sweet knowing this day is here. Sweet in that they are back but bitter in that I still have significant travel time to see them.
But they are on their way here to Birmingham to see me for the weekend. It will be an adventure for sure. We will be sleeping air mattresses. I am not sure how we will eat meals or even what it will look like to chill in the apartment with my limited seating. But I think my missionary parents can handle it. I mean they have had to sleep on floors in foreign counties .... This will be nothing ... Right?
I do wish I had a bed for them, a room for them,a table with chairs, and apartment that felt more like my home.
I am so glad they are coming.
I am glad they got to go to the philippines.
I am so very glad they are back.
Welcome Home Mom and dad!
1.26.2012
Positive for People Pleasing
I have officially been employed for three weeks now. This week I have taken on 13
clients. It has been an
interesting couple of weeks. Not
only have I moved, and tried to get settled into a new life, but in starting a
new job also means learning the culture with in a work place. Some days this
leaves me more exhausted in trying to figure out what that culture is than
actually working with the clients.
Honestly, It probably has a lot to do with my constant struggle of being
a full-blown “People Pleaser”.
Though I have been through graduate school and worked on
many areas of my life I still at the end of the day struggle intensely with
being a “People Pleaser”. I have
noticed that with each
Client that walks into my office I think,
“I want them to like me”. Other thoughts that are loud in my head, “I
hope I do something more from them than anyone else has”… no wait the honest
truth of what I say in my head really is,
“I am going to rock this clients world more than their last counselor”…
pray for me I still am in need of much help.
There are some phrases I hear around me that just bug the
crap out of me.
“Think Positive”
“I am over it”
“That’s in the past”
“You just need to _____”
If just thinking Positive thoughts really changed people
believe me my Job would not be a profession. There is more to healing and living in this fallen world
than just THINKING positive. We
were not created to merely think.
Really you are “over it”? Really? If one is so called “over
it” whatever that means, I don’t think it would need to be said. Wasn’t it said in Scripture “AS you
pass through the waters I will be with you” not “Jump over the Waters!”
What is the point of talking about the present if you can’t
talk about the past? If we are to remember the stories of the Old Testament and
the New Testament then what is the harm in remembering in our lives what has
been, what is, and what will be?
If you are unable to talk about something in your past that is left in
the past my twisted advice REVISIT it!
Huh? Reading through this post I am wondering if I need to
change my blog title from “Lani’s Life” to Dairy of a Mad White Women…
1.10.2012
2nd Day on the Job
I started my new job yesterday. I am working at a Methadone Clinic. It is a out patient treatment center for individuals that are addicted to drugs. Methadone allows some relief from the symptoms that start to kick in once you haven't had a hit in a while or a day. It basically is a way for people that are addicted to drugs to function, to take care of their kids, or hold a job.
It will be a learning experience... but it still is not counseling. It is more case management. Which is what I was trying to avoid doing since I am not a social worker I am a counselor. I will be able to provide some counseling but it's not the primary focus of treatment. And did I mention that you don't need a masters to do this job? I have wrestled with some thoughts that run through my head. "Why did I move to Alabama when I could have done this job... anywhere?"
The staff is super friendly and helpful, but I find at times my heart twisting for brief moments.... this is not what I really want to be doing......
I have been shadowing other Counselors. Yes technically my position is called "Substance Abuse Counselor" though the counseling is a small piece of what we are doing, a very small piece. I find that as I observe intakes or counselors meeting with patients I want to ask more questions and get into those dark places they briefly mention. But that is NOT the job, the job is to get the information, get their signatures so you can move onto the next patient.
I look forward to the day when I will have a office that will be a counseling office. Where I will be able to sit with others and ask about the details and it will be my job to do so.
I start the job at 5:30 a.m. so I am up at 4:15ish it's a early start to the day. But it's a quite time that early, and hardly anyone is on the road so it only takes me about 12 min's to get there. It hurts a little though. Each morning I kind of wake up a little angry. But each morning I arrive there are already patients lined up waiting. It's a busy morning from 5:30 - 11:00 basically for those hours it's some what organized chaos. But I will say with that much going on I forget what time of the morning it is.
I guess knowing that this is just a step to getting where I want to be I find that I am not putting too much pressure on myself. Which has been nice.
This is a somewhat random way to end this post.
I realize that my grammar and spelling are not very good. I know that on this blog there are probably many of you that would like to put red ink to many of my posts. I am going to be taking some time to try to work on those things. To be honest I have struggled with my grammar, spelling and punctuation my entire life. But I guess though I don't write correctly or with the best grammar I find that blogging and writing has been something I really enjoy doing. Please know that I am aware of my writing issues but in this space there lies no red ink and I think because I am not graded in this space it gives me freedom to write as I wish. It's a little place where writing allows me to experience something that only lies in the new earth.... NO RED INK....
It will be a learning experience... but it still is not counseling. It is more case management. Which is what I was trying to avoid doing since I am not a social worker I am a counselor. I will be able to provide some counseling but it's not the primary focus of treatment. And did I mention that you don't need a masters to do this job? I have wrestled with some thoughts that run through my head. "Why did I move to Alabama when I could have done this job... anywhere?"
The staff is super friendly and helpful, but I find at times my heart twisting for brief moments.... this is not what I really want to be doing......
I have been shadowing other Counselors. Yes technically my position is called "Substance Abuse Counselor" though the counseling is a small piece of what we are doing, a very small piece. I find that as I observe intakes or counselors meeting with patients I want to ask more questions and get into those dark places they briefly mention. But that is NOT the job, the job is to get the information, get their signatures so you can move onto the next patient.
I look forward to the day when I will have a office that will be a counseling office. Where I will be able to sit with others and ask about the details and it will be my job to do so.
I start the job at 5:30 a.m. so I am up at 4:15ish it's a early start to the day. But it's a quite time that early, and hardly anyone is on the road so it only takes me about 12 min's to get there. It hurts a little though. Each morning I kind of wake up a little angry. But each morning I arrive there are already patients lined up waiting. It's a busy morning from 5:30 - 11:00 basically for those hours it's some what organized chaos. But I will say with that much going on I forget what time of the morning it is.
I guess knowing that this is just a step to getting where I want to be I find that I am not putting too much pressure on myself. Which has been nice.
This is a somewhat random way to end this post.
I realize that my grammar and spelling are not very good. I know that on this blog there are probably many of you that would like to put red ink to many of my posts. I am going to be taking some time to try to work on those things. To be honest I have struggled with my grammar, spelling and punctuation my entire life. But I guess though I don't write correctly or with the best grammar I find that blogging and writing has been something I really enjoy doing. Please know that I am aware of my writing issues but in this space there lies no red ink and I think because I am not graded in this space it gives me freedom to write as I wish. It's a little place where writing allows me to experience something that only lies in the new earth.... NO RED INK....
1.06.2012
Thankful and weary
There is this word I learned in Graduate school that I find tends to sum up my life and how I feel often. The word is "Ambivalent" it is feeling two things at once. So I am ambivalent today.
I am thankful. This past month I was blessed with so many thoughtful cards, gifts, and generous giving from people. I am thankful for people taking time to write me, call me, or put together a gift and send it to me. I know those things take time and money.
I am weary. Many of you know I got a job. I got a job working as a substance abuse counselor at a Methadone clinic. I start on Monday and the hours are 5:30 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. I am so glad to have a way to make some income, and yet I am weary. I will make less money at this job than I did my first job out of college. This position does not require a masters degree. I will only get a few hours to count towards becoming liscened. But it is a job, and it will be an experience to add to my resume. I am thankful for having a job after being unemployed for 8 months!
I am once again going to meet new people, learn a new way of how another office runs, and adjust to another change... these thoughts leave me weary and tired.
I have had the opportunity to talk to a few others that have graduated from RTS counseling program and everyone says that the first year out was the hardest. One friend I talked with said that she believes that there is something Holy in the mundane. So if she is right than maybe this whole season that has been and seasons that will be is something far greater about ... dare I say it.... Holiness.
I am thankful. This past month I was blessed with so many thoughtful cards, gifts, and generous giving from people. I am thankful for people taking time to write me, call me, or put together a gift and send it to me. I know those things take time and money.
I am weary. Many of you know I got a job. I got a job working as a substance abuse counselor at a Methadone clinic. I start on Monday and the hours are 5:30 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. I am so glad to have a way to make some income, and yet I am weary. I will make less money at this job than I did my first job out of college. This position does not require a masters degree. I will only get a few hours to count towards becoming liscened. But it is a job, and it will be an experience to add to my resume. I am thankful for having a job after being unemployed for 8 months!
I am once again going to meet new people, learn a new way of how another office runs, and adjust to another change... these thoughts leave me weary and tired.
I have had the opportunity to talk to a few others that have graduated from RTS counseling program and everyone says that the first year out was the hardest. One friend I talked with said that she believes that there is something Holy in the mundane. So if she is right than maybe this whole season that has been and seasons that will be is something far greater about ... dare I say it.... Holiness.
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