Positive for People Pleasing

I have officially been employed for three weeks now.  This week I have taken on 13 clients.  It has been an interesting couple of weeks.  Not only have I moved, and tried to get settled into a new life, but in starting a new job also means learning the culture with in a work place. Some days this leaves me more exhausted in trying to figure out what that culture is than actually working with the clients.  Honestly, It probably has a lot to do with my constant struggle of being a full-blown “People Pleaser”.

Though I have been through graduate school and worked on many areas of my life I still at the end of the day struggle intensely with being a “People Pleaser”.  I have noticed that   with each Client that walks into my office I think,  “I want them to like me”. Other thoughts that are loud in my head, “I hope I do something more from them than anyone else has”… no wait the honest truth of what I say in my head really is,  “I am going to rock this clients world more than their last counselor”… pray for me I still am in need of much help. 

There are some phrases I hear around me that just bug the crap out of me. 

“Think Positive”

“I am over it”

“That’s in the past”

“You just need to _____”

If just thinking Positive thoughts really changed people believe me my Job would not be a profession.  There is more to healing and living in this fallen world than just THINKING positive.  We were not created to merely think. 

Really you are “over it”? Really? If one is so called “over it” whatever that means, I don’t think it would need to be said.  Wasn’t it said in Scripture “AS you pass through the waters I will be with you” not “Jump over the Waters!”

What is the point of talking about the present if you can’t talk about the past? If we are to remember the stories of the Old Testament and the New Testament then what is the harm in remembering in our lives what has been, what is, and what will be?  If you are unable to talk about something in your past that is left in the past my twisted advice REVISIT it!

Huh? Reading through this post I am wondering if I need to change my blog title from “Lani’s Life” to Dairy of a Mad White Women…

2nd Day on the Job

I started my new job yesterday.  I am working at a Methadone Clinic.  It is a out patient treatment center for individuals that are addicted to drugs.  Methadone allows some relief from the symptoms that start to kick in once you haven't had a hit in a while or a day.  It basically is a way for people that are addicted to drugs to function, to take care of their kids, or hold a job.
It will be a learning experience... but it still is not counseling.  It is more case management.  Which is what I was trying to avoid doing since I am not a social worker I am a counselor.  I will be able to provide some counseling but it's not the primary focus of treatment.  And did I mention that you don't need a masters to do this job? I have wrestled with some thoughts that run through my head.  "Why did I move to Alabama when I could have done this job... anywhere?"
The staff is super friendly and helpful, but I find at times my heart twisting for brief moments.... this is not what I really want to be doing......
I have been shadowing other Counselors.  Yes technically my position is called "Substance Abuse Counselor" though the counseling is a small piece of what we are doing, a very small piece.  I find that as I observe intakes or counselors meeting with patients I want to ask more questions and get into those dark places they briefly mention.  But that is NOT the job, the job is to get the information, get their signatures so you can move onto the next patient.

I look forward to the day when I will have a office that will be a counseling office.  Where I will be able to sit with others and ask about the details and it will be my job to do so.

I start the job at 5:30 a.m. so I am up at 4:15ish it's a early start to the day.  But it's a quite time that early, and hardly anyone is on the road so it only takes me about 12 min's to get there.  It hurts a little though.  Each morning I kind of wake up a little angry.  But each morning I arrive there are already patients lined up waiting.  It's a busy morning from 5:30 - 11:00 basically for those hours it's  some what organized chaos.  But I will say with that much going on I forget what time of the morning it is.

I guess knowing that this is just a step to getting where I want to be I find that I am not putting too much pressure on myself.  Which has been nice.

This is a somewhat random way to end this post.
 I realize that my grammar and spelling are not very good.  I know that on this blog there are probably many of you that would like to put red ink to many of my posts.  I am going to be taking some time to try to work on those things.  To be honest I have struggled with my grammar, spelling and punctuation my entire life.  But I guess though I don't write correctly or with the best grammar I find that blogging and writing has been something I really enjoy doing.  Please know that I am aware of my writing issues but in this space there lies no red ink and I think because I am not graded in this space it gives me freedom to write as I wish.  It's a little place where writing allows me to experience something that only lies in the new earth.... NO RED INK....

Thankful and weary

There is this word I learned in Graduate school that I find tends to sum up my life and how I feel often.  The word is "Ambivalent" it is feeling two things at once.  So I am ambivalent today.

I am thankful. This past month I was blessed with so many thoughtful cards, gifts, and generous giving from people.  I am thankful for people taking time to write me, call me, or put together a gift and send it to me.  I know those things take time and money.

I am weary.  Many of you know I got a job.  I got a job working as a substance abuse counselor at a Methadone clinic.  I start on Monday and the hours are 5:30 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.  I am so glad to have a way to make some income, and yet I am weary.  I will make less money at this job than I did my first job out of college.  This position does not require a masters degree.  I will only get a few hours to count towards becoming liscened.  But it is a job, and it will be an experience to add to my resume.  I am thankful for having a job after being unemployed for 8 months!
I am once again going to meet new people, learn a new way of how another office runs, and adjust to another change... these thoughts leave me weary and tired.

I have had the opportunity to talk to a few others that have graduated from RTS counseling program and everyone says that the first year out was the hardest.  One friend I talked with said that she believes that there is something Holy in the mundane.  So if she is right than maybe this whole season that has been and seasons that will be is something far greater about ... dare I say it.... Holiness.