Christmas and Birthday

So this year due to where I am in this season of life everyday I have received a Christmas card it has meant so much to me.  Everyday since December 1st I have received many beautiful Christmas cards.  I receive this cards as a actual gift! so I decided how can I display my gifts like you would with those under a tree.  Here is what I came up with one night

Thank you so much to each of you who has sent me a Christmas card I look at them every single day and smile at all the kind words, and beautiful faces that are in my life as family and friends.  Thank you for taking time to make a card and send it my way I treasure them a lot especially this year.

So then I decided I needed to do something fun with my birthday cards I got and here is what the other side of my bed room windows (with out curtains) looks like

Aren't they beautiful.  The top cards are made by kiddos.  The far left is made by Isaac Young and the one's on the right are made by my new community group's triplets Wells, Ann Lawson, and Holland.

What a gift to receive so many birthday cards from all across the country.  Thank you for showing me such love I appreciate it.  Your love and kindness leaves me speechless for how I really feel.

Every night this week I have had something going on at my new Church it's called Red Mountain.  

Sunday night I went to a Ornament exchange which was so much fun

Monday got together with some girls for a mass cookie decorating party we seriously frosted cookies for almost 4 hours. It was so fun and hilarious.  And don't worry we had three delicious bottles of wine to keep us hydrated and to spread Christmas cheer. 

Last night was our Hymn Sing and it was so beautiful.  They had a table at the back with hot drinks and cookies which you could grab any time you wanted even during a hymn.  It was so neat children were running around some laughing some chasing each other and others crying.  And we just sang hymns while life happened around us.  It's so easy going at this church children no matter their state are not a bother mom's aren't rushing after their kids they just sit with ease and we all smile.  It was a neat evening we sang hymn after hymn telling the story of Jesus.  It gave me chills. In fact I feel this advent season has meant more to me than ever before.  I am in a state of longing deep longing for many things... 

a life, a job, a bed, a husband, hope, love, faith, relief, a home, comfort, passing a test, ....

It is a different holiday season I am not shopping for Christmas gifts, I am not packing a suitcase, I am not planning a big meal, I am not trimming a tree or doing tons of baking. So this holiday season the things that have matter the most have been words people have wrote, phone calls, hugs, and advent.

Come oh Long Expectant Jesus 

30 and thriving

Well I was able to get new wheels.  A man who is so kind in helping people with cars named Dick Bergam in Wycliffe sells cars to Missionaries and others for deals and he is sure reliable.  So after many conversations my parents and I decided it would be best for me to go to Texas to get a car.  My parents had miles on Delta so I was able to fly for free to Dallas. It was a quick visit but I got to see a lot of great friends and get to storage for a few more things.  It was nice to just have a car again.
I drove back to alabama a few days later with yet again another loaded car.


I continue to apply to jobs every day and try to use resource I have to get some where.  I did go in for a second interview at a youth home last friday and while it was good it just would be a hour drive to and from the job and it would be working with At-Risk youth.  And it would require taking on managing staff as well.  So it would be a lot of responsibility, but it would be a job!

 This past Saturday I got a chair!! meet my new piece of furniture, I got it off of Criaglist and it does have a slight smoke smell but hey I got it for $40.00 from this sweet family and I love it oh yah and having something to sit on.

 it's just my size my feet can touch the floor when i sit in it.

I was able to get this sweet gift due to family members giving to me so graciously this Christmas.

My 30th Birthday was actually a busy day.  I just joined a small group at my Church and they were having a brunch Sunday morning.  So I got to go and meet a few of the people. The leaders are this sweet couple who have 6 year old triplets and a 2 year old.  They kids all made me birthday cards which was so touching since they had never meet me.  And they have a tradition in their home that when it's your birthday you eat off a "It's your Special Day" plate.  So I ate my breakfast on the special plate.

After break fast we all just hung out for hours just talking.  I got to even jump on the trampoline with the kids and laugh and play we counted jumps and played follow the leader.  It felt great that even at 30 I can still enjoy life's young at heart moments.

Then there was a dessert, I was just thinking that we were having dessert. They came out with cupcakes and 30 candles I was so touched.  Beth and Adam my friends here had brought them over for me they even bought the candles.

the 0 is missing because their 2 year old little son Fletcher wanted to lick a candle!

So how great I had cupcakes ice cream, Mimosa's, coffee, and had birthday cards drawn for me.  It was a great start to my 30's.

I then came home and called some friends and family and opened a few gifts that friends had sent.

Here is my new scarf from my Auntie Linda and Uncle Steve I love it

I am honored and touched by many of who graciously and generously gave to me this year.  Some of you gave by your prayers, others by calls, by cards, and some with financial gifts that I feel totally unworthy of.  THank you I Thank you from the pits of my weary soul.  Thank you for giving me a ray of light a ray of Hope of believing when I can't seem to see any thing worth believing in.  I am blessed and gifted with you dear reader, with your time to read this blog, with your love for me and interest in my life.  Thank you for your gift of love and friendship to me.

I am forever grateful 

No curtains

So there are many things I do not have right now. But one is that I don't have curtains or blinds.  My bedroom windows are the one's I wish I had some sort of curtain or blinds on.
It would be nice since I don't have to get up early for anything to not have the sun shining in on me.
It would be nice to not have to always change in the bathroom.
It would just be nice to have curtains.

Today I realized that my small bathroom has turned into a sort of closet for me, and it's just annoying sometimes to have clothes hanging where I really need my hand towel hanging. But I figure the steam from taking hot showers has to help my clothes stay cleaner which is nice because I don't have a washer dryer.  Many apartments here don't come with washer dryers.  So I have been doing the laundry mat thing and in some ways it's nice but some times like when you just need to wash something right away it's kind of annoying.

I guess I am feeling kind of annoyed today.  I realized today that I have literally watched seasons change and I still don't have a real life.  I have a life in that I have moved somewhere, I have a life in that I have a church I go to, Friends to hang out with, but what I do......I still don't know.  I have watched people enjoy summer, I have seen kids go back to school.  I have watched the season's happen around me the stores decorating for Halloween to Christmas and I still have no life, no job.  Some people probably would envy me I mean I have nothing to do each day and holidays are no different to me than Tuesdays. My Saturdays from Thursday's are no different.  They have not really been that different for a long time. I am sure someday I will look back on this post and wish I had days filled with nothing to do but for now I am just ready to be in a routine and to be back in a world of work days.

Lamenting

I have never heard anyone lament from the pulpit but last night at church we had a time of lamenting and I just wanted to write it on my blog so I might remember this

Lord God, we long for the coming of your kingdom in Jesus Christ, our Lord. We lament before you the signs that your kingdom has not come in fullness. We lament signs of brokenness in the community of nations.

(Silence)
We lament that Christians are persecuted they profess the name of Jesus
(silence)
We lament the broken relationships that bring such pain to many we know
(silence)
We lament that many of our friends, family, and coworkers have chosen to ignore or disown the gospel of Christ
(silence)
We lament racism that lives in our hearts and plagues our community
(silence)
We lament the physical and emotional abuse of children and spouses in our homes
(silence)
With resolute hope, despite our sadness, we pray boldly as our savior has taught us

Our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtorss. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory for and ever. Amen

Sweet Home Alabama

I have moved to Alabama.  A month ago....
It has been quite the interesting last few weeks. I kept meaning to blog each day about the drive the unpacking boxes and some other crazy Haps so hang on dear reader this is going to be a long one.

The night before my big move I hardly slept.  I ended up getting up at 3 a.m. and arrived into my new Chapter of life by 1:00 p.m. Crossing the state line I stopped at the visitation center . The welcoming sign for the state read Alabama " The Beautiful ".  I do hope this place will bring Beauty into my life.

October 30, 2011

Once I got in I started to unload my car and here is what my apartment began to look like.  I will say it was kind of weird to be back in the apartment that I had only looked at for a few min's and it was kind of hard to adjust to it but since then it has grown on me more each day.  

My friend Cheryl came over right away and helped me with a few boxes and brought me a beautiful bundle of yellow mums and a cookie and a cold bottled beverage. It was great to see a familiar face right away.

 I was only able to pack what I needed in my car and wasn't able to bring my bed.  I did have a air mattress so I started to blow the mattress up around 3 because I was super tired and wanted to lay down.  I had blown up my air mattress many times before with a hair dryer but I guess I forgot this time to make sure to press the cold air botton and I burned a hole in the mattress.  I laid on it trying to see if I could just manage to sleep on the floor because I was SO TIRED. I was talking to a friend on the phone and she encouraged me to go get another one so I could sleep on something. I then proceeded to try to find a target and got lost, went down a one way road the wrong way and then finally found a target.  I got a air mattress and a pump got back to the apartment and then opened the bed and the pump and realized I had bought a car pump.....ughh so after trying to figure out if I should get back in my car and exchange it I decided to try my car.  So here I was dragging my air bed to my car and laying it over the top of my car on the street.  I plugged in the pump and watched my bed inflate.  I then drug the mattress up the stairs threw it on the floor laid some blankets down and feel asleep.

The next day I decided to let my cats out on the lanai to enjoy the outside.  Then all the sudden I see them jump onto a landing between my neighbors balcony.  Then Kala my orange explorer decides to then jump up in someone's window and onto another Balcony. Basically she ended up at the farthest end of my apartment in some one else's space.  I didn't know what to do.  I watched her and called her but she just ignored me.  Then she realized she couldn't get back to me and I saw her jump to another balcony and she just starting meowing very loudly... and she pooped. 

I have not even been at this apartment complex for a day and already my cat has pooped on someone's property.  Then I remembered the maintenance guy lives on the property so I knocked on his door and he was able to let me into the balcony to get her. 

I wish that was the last odd and weird story 

October 31, 2011

   I then started to unpack some boxes and came across my dishes and it is just felt so good to use my dishes I had to stop and take a picture because just seeing my dishes made me smile. I have missed getting to use my things and it felt so good to see them and put them away.  The next day after being in Birmingham was halloween. That night I went over to a friend of her friends house and we walked through their beautifully decorated neighborhood and walked with the trick-or-treaters. My friend Cheryl filled up the back of her truck with hay and all the kids had a hay fight.  It was so hilarious to watch the kids oh and parents have one heck of a fight.

Next funny story.  I have felt like I have been camping.  I had no microwave and no working stove and I am sleeping on a air mattress.  So I had to get creative with what I could eat.  One day it was quite cold and all I wanted was a bowl of hot soup.  This would be a quick and easy meal with working stove, but my gas still had not been turned on yet.  Then I looked at my coffee maker and thought  hummmmmm..... I poured water into the top and put the can of soup into the coffee pot. Creative huh? But unfortunately it wasn't hot but it was a bowl of soup.

The following week a neighbor moving out gave me a desk, a old bench, a set of two drawers, a picnic basket, and a cool pot and vase.  That was a neat unexpected blessing.

The next weekend I drove with Cheryl to Orlando and I got to see good friends.  On the way down I saw these fields of white stuff.  I asked Cheryl what they were and she said it was cotton.  So we pulled over and I got to pick some cotton.  I really am in the deep south.

November 11, 2011

 Being in Orlando felt good.  It felt good to be back in a familiar place that held so much of me.  It was nice to drive and recognize my surroundings and see the faces of people that I love so dearly. I got to hang out with my friend Miranda that saturday.  They were going to be having a garage sale and were getting rid of a bunch of stuff they gave me a microwave, a printer, and a desk.  So we painted this desk together and I was able to bring it back and I am using it like vanity/ drawers.  Here is a picture of our creation we made together.

November 14, 2011

The next weekend I went to Atlanta to be in my dear friend Deborah May's wedding.  It was really neat because fall here is breath taking so the drive to Atlanta was nothing short then BEAUTIFUL.  It was only a 3 hour drive for me so a quick and easy trip.  It was a great weekend getting to see Deborah and her family.  I enjoy the friendships I have in my life and I deeply enjoy getting to connect with people over and over and in moments that matter.  It was a rich weekend and it felt good to be able to be with people that know me and to be apart of her life changing event.  I love you Deborah McCoy!

   

November 19, 2011

I was back in Birmingham and enjoyed a relaxing day just chilling.  I have been going to my friends Church called Red Mountain it's been neat it is different and I honestly feel that I am falling more in love with Liturgy and weekly communion.  They have their service in the evenings which is nice because you get to sabbath the morning.  The other great thing is I can walked to the church. It is literally 3 blocks away.  Went to church and was walking back and saw this guy up ahead walking and everyone in this neighborhood is super friendly so I said hi and he said nothing but I thought well maybe he is just having a bad day. Then as I approached my apartment I noticed a bunch of people outside I thought oh well maybe someone is having a party then I noticed they were all staring at these cars.  Then I looked closer there was a car up a electrical pole... wait a second.... that's my car up the electrical pole.  

Then this girl approached me and said is this your car I am sure my look of shock gave it away. She was on the phone with the police.  The neighbors all began to tell me what happened.  This guy was speeding and swerving down the road and then slammed right into my car. His car was banged up pretty hard and his air bags released.  They said they all ran out and saw him try to start up his car several times but then just got out and stumbled to the side walk and fled.  So the guy I walked by while walking home was the very guy who totaled my car.  I started to walk after him and my neighbor stopped me and told me don't go after him because you don't know how drunk and high or dangerous he is.  

Several people saw it happen and were able to give identification to the cops.  Then I gave the cops my information called my insurance company and walked back into my apartment now with out a car.  I have called the police several times and they still have not found the guy.  This guy drunk and driving totaled my car and now will not have to help me in any way what so ever

 November 20, 2011

By the way that is not my hub cap in the left picture but the actual metal what the tire rests on.

So I have been walking everywhere which was been good exercise and I have gotten to explore the city better on foot but it's been hard to be with out a car. I ended up getting the rental they had for me but I can only use it for 7 days so I wanted to wait to use till I absolutely needed to.  I went on monday to grab the rest of my belongings out of my car.  I will hopefully be getting a check in the mail to get a new one this next week. I am actually going to be flying to Texas to get a car because this guy at Wycliffe has one for the price I can pay right now with out a job.  I will then go to storage and get a few more things.

Ughh so the craziness of my life continues.

I still don't have a job I continue to apply to jobs everyday. I had a interview and did a viewing at a eating disorder clinic the first week I arrived but sadly I still do not have a job.  

so in closing out this super long post here is a picture of my kitties that though they cause me craziness and take up space on my twin size blow up mattress they are my cuddle buddies and I enjoy them.

Leaving Texas

My last week in Texas has been busy seeing people and getting things done.  Sometimes I can't believe I am really doing this.  I am really moving again.

This week I cleaned out the Van Rooy's Garage and Pantry.  It took me 9 hours each day but it was a nice way to make some extra cash before leaving.  Here are pictures of my completed work.

So while being in Texas I have been driving by this counseling center sign and have laughed each time so today I stopped and took a picture.  

It's a counseling Center Called Permanent Resolutions.... I wish going to counseling would cause or guaranty Permanent Resolutions... 

For weeks I have been brainstorming how I was going to pack my car for this trip.  After taking all day I finally have everything in my car that I planned on taking.  I think I did an amazing job.  

Leaving for a new chapter of life in the morning.

I am feeling excited and scared.

A place to call Home

So ... I am moving to Birmingham, Alabama October 30th.

I went out for a visit at the beginning of October and feel in love with the city.  It felt so good to be enjoying the company of good friends, enjoying my surroundings and finding a place to call home.

Yes we are all Counselors

 I have been to many cities and I would say if you have not been to Birmingham GO!

While in Birmingham I stayed with my dear friends Cheryl and Larry Ver Hoef.  If you have been following my blog I wrote about their wedding in April.  Cheryl went through my counseling program with me and she has left an impression on my life that I can't rub off nor do I want to even try.
Cheryl and Larry .... they are kind of odd in the way they love people.  Let me see if I can explain the oddness.
So Cheryl and Larry have a home with 3 bedrooms.  Want to know what they did with the other 2 rooms? They created a place to call home for me and my friend Elizabeth.  They literally call one room "Lani's Room" and the other room "Elizabeth's Room" WHO DOES THAT?  Honestly hearing her talk about preparing this room with me in mind was something I thought you don't get to enjoy on this side of heaven.

A fresh batch of Flowers to greet me each morning 

She made the curtains

"Lani's Room"

Isn't just Beautiful!

The other thing Cheryl and Larry do well is eating good delicious food and drinking incredibly great wine.  I feel like I could do a blog post just on the food alone. Everyday was a decadent feast. 

So while in Birmingham I looked at several apartments and the very last day I found one.  I walked in and felt instantly this is a place to call home. The landlord is a sweet old man who is going to give me the first month free of rent.  It is 5 min's away from Cheryl and Larry.  Here is my new place of residence.  Finally I have an address a place to unload my boxes for a while.  

The Bedroom 

The Kitchen

The Living Room

The Lanai/Porch

 I finally have an answer to two Questions. 

1. When are you moving? October 30, 2011

2. Where are you living? A cute quaint one  bedroom Apartment at Underwood Court

What I still don't have answer's for.

1. Where are you working?

2. Where are you practicing counseling?

3.  What do you do? 

Some days I am excited and hopeful for this new move and other days I am overcome with so much fear, terror and anxiety that I can't move, literally. 

 I get afraid that this move will not work out. 

 I Fear what still is not known.

I have been thinking the last couple days if 3 years ago some person would have walked up to me on the white sandy beaches of Hawaii and said " the next three years you will live in Florida, Texas, and..... ALABAMABA and you will live in those 3 states all within a matter of 6 months".  I would have either been tempted to give them my evilest eye or Laugh really hard with maybe a "Yea right! (wink) ok crazy person". 

I do have some interviews lined up the first week in November.  Here's to hoping that someday on this blog I can share I have a job, a routine, a LIFE again.

Thank you for journeying with me.  

Here we go again.. no wait here I go again

The space in my blogging is because life has been full of so much unknown that there didn't seem anything to write about. So after thinking and thinking and weighing and researching my  life's options and choices with where I am in life... I have decided to move to Alabama.  Birmingham to be exact.  I have a community of people there that are for me and are a community I want to be around because they are people that dream and think the way I want to continue to. Also the laws are different in Alabama and I would be able to see clients sooner.  The state has the exact same exam the NCE and requires the same supervised hours.  I also found out that with the right paper work Texas will accept a License from Alabama.  It's nice to know that I have options.
This decision did not come with out much twisting in my heart because my parents are going to be moving back to Texas in February.  The whole reason I moved out here was to be closer to family and friends and to be somewhere for a while.  

I wish that this move would guarantee that I won't experience loneliness or other hard seasons.
But I guess knowing that those things will still happen and that I get to still choose where I want to be. I  choose this plan.

I don't know all the details yet like where will I live? Work? Most questions my answer still is UNKOWN.  But I am willing to take this risk and just see.

One of my dear friends was saying that sometimes being Courageous looks like Foolishness and some times what looks Foolish is Courageous.

Today I grabbed and loaded boxes into my car from my parents container on a horse ranch... again...
I did this already.  I actually did this exact thing two years ago.  No wait I have put boxes in my car too move many times in the past two years.
I moved to Florida from Hawaii summer of 2009.  Then I stayed with someone for a week, then moved into a home for a month, then moved into a small apartment.  I did all that from June 2009 to August 2009. I then moved again summer of 2010 from that apartment into a house which I shared with 3 other people.
Then I just packed up my stuff again this past summer 2011.  And now I am moving again.
So let's see that's 6 about to be 7 moves in the past 2 years.  YUCK!

As I was loading my car this older man that takes care of the property drove by and asked if I needed help. I said no I was fine, he asked where I was headed. I heard my voice "Alabama" I think you can't even say Alabama with out sounding southern, or with a accent.  He said what? your car has Florida license plates and your in Texas.  I said yea and now I moving to Alabama.
 I am moving to Alabama.
I am moving.

In case your wanting to know:
* I have Florida license plates
* I live in Texas right now
* I am moving to Alabama
* I have a Hawaii Drivers License
What the Heck?!

I find that sometimes I have a hard time understanding or relating to people that were born and raised and stayed in one place.

It was nice to see some of my things again.  I long for the day when I can be out of boxes.

So what my next month looks like.  I am going to  be driving the 10 hour trip to Alabama next week to check out things and visit with good friends.  I will then drive back to Texas and tie up things here. Then I hope to be moving sometime in November.

I still am living in much uncertainty.  I am not very good at waiting season's.

It's not Fair

These hours last week I was taking my National Counseling Exam, doing everything I wanted and hoped to do and feel while taking a huge test.

   The day before the test I took some pictures to capture this season I hope would be ending.

Here is a picture of what I spent more time with than any person the last two months. 

My fingers touched every page of every book.  I wrote notes in the notebook, made note cards, watched a DVD training, and took a online test prep course.  This is the desk I have sat at with these books.

These are the posters I made and looked at every day 

The week before the test I enjoyed what I was studying and learning most of the time.  The day before I stopped all studying and just enjoyed a relaxing day, ate lunch with a friend, talked on the phone to  friends, stayed at a Friends Guest House closer to testing site, took a nice bubble bath and tried to get to bed early.

Test day I felt surprisingly calm...After almost 4 long hours with breaks, I walked to the test proctor and was given my things along with a piece of paper.  She had turned the paper over when handing it to me.  I took a deep breath turned it over... there it read "Fail".  You have to score at least a 91 to pass.  I scored a 81.  TEN points off ...Ten points.  The test proctor said "that's a hard one, you'll do better next time" I nodded my head and walked to my car, tears streamed down and then starting overflowing.  I wish I had thought to have someone there when I walked out.  I couldn't bring in my cell phone so I left it at the house. Here I was alone in my car, screaming, crying, feeling numb, confused, sad, devastated.

Then it hit me I have to wait 3 months before I can take it again.  I hate that counselors do this to counselors.  I hate that a test determines if I get to do what I feel so passionate about.  I HATE Tests, Test scores prove nothing about a person's soul.  I wish someone could just watch me counsel then decide if I should be allowed to do this, But NO!! some other person that is better at memorizing, taking tests gets to do this.  I don't have the brains.... but I have the heart. I wish that was worth something.  I wish what other people think I can do well would give me a job.  IT's NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!

I went to the guest house sat on the back porch swing and wept.

Then slowly started telling people.  I have felt defeated, humiliated.  I don't understand fully how one is to deal with sadness and allow us to be a part of it but here are a few thoughts I have had lately.
When someone thinks something is funny they laugh.   Others Laugh.
When someone thinks something is fun they get excited  Others get excited, want to join in
When someone smiles           Others smile
Why do we when we see someone cry do we not just reflect back similar responses like we do with other emotions.
Why when someone is sad do we say, it will be ok, this just means somethings better, look at the bright side.....
When someone is happy or laughing we don't say, hey simmer down don't forget they is a down side.

How do we learn that some emotions are good and others are bad? Why can't all emotions just be that which we they, what we feel.  I understand it's not healthy for one to live in an extreme.
If someone is sad all they time for a long time it could mean something more
If someone is angry all the time for a long time it could mean something more
If someone is happy all the time..... I don't trust you.   This is a Fallen World, it is a broken world.

Everyone who has wrote me or called, thank you. 

I am not sure what is next.
Taking it one day at a time

Every Day is Groundhogs day

So every day I live almost the same day.
I get up sometime around 8ish.
8 am: Open blinds, make bed, get dressed, feed cats, walk dogs for 10 min's, eat breakfast, drink one cup of coffee
9 -10: start studying
10- 1: study for 20 to 30 min at a time
1-2: Eat lunch with everyone in the house
2- 6: study for 20 - 30 min at a time, drink half a cup of coffee or something with caffeine
6-7: Eat dinner
7-9: hang with the Van Rooy's or watch a movie
9:30 take shower
10: Get in bed

....and tomorrow I will do it all over again.
Now I have to be honest.  Some day's I don't start studying till 11 or dare I say it, 1 pm. I have had times I decided I needed to take and break and I look at the clock and it's been 2 hours.  It may look like a crazy amount of studying but the time I am actually studying (retaining information) varies.  I have days that I feel like " yes this is great, I can make it".  And other days I feel like " why did I ever think I could do this? I hate I my life".  The one thing that changes everyday is either I feel great or discouraged.
I have these moments that I realize the patheticness of my life.  Want to hear one example?... I am warning you it is lame... I drive my netflixs videos to the post office. I actually get out of my car and walk it into the post office to drop off my one, yes ONE video.  I feel silly. I mean what if someone is sitting in their car watching me?  On top of that I have had moments where I catch myself talking to myself while I do it.  Bless my heart. Oh dear.

I recently watched the movie "127 Hours" which is the true story of the guy who got stuck while rock climbing and had to cut off his own arm.  (I wouldn't recommend for the faint at heart) But I cried while watching it.  I can identity with him.  I feel stuck too.  I feel alone. I feel like I am going crazy some days.  I feel like sometimes I am just trying to survive.  And I think I will leave part of my being in this past month. I often think July early August will be a time on the Calendar that I will never ever look at the same.  This season as well as others has left a mark on my life.

I am living with one of my best friends (Stephanie) parents.  Stephanie and her husband and family dropped off their dogs at the house while they take 4 trips. I have taken on taking care of the dogs.  They have been a form of therapy for me.  I take them out for a 15min walk about every 2 hours.  They need to be let out therefore I have to get out and move around.

Here is a picture of the dogs that I think have helped keep me sane at moments.

One week left of studying ... Test Day August 11.  8-11-11 is a big day in my world.

Some things that have been helpful:  a Friends words on not putting so much pressure on one day knowing that I have other options I am wanted in other places too.
Friends that call and check in on me.  I have decided the day before my test I am going to not study and celebrate by doing some fun things.

I think mostly I look forward to the day I will read this post and be mindful of the journey

What studying has revealed

So I am studying for the NCE (National Counseling Exam)... every. single. day.

Part of the section I was studying yesterday made sense to every part of my being.

Grief and Loss
1. Grief is the normal intense emotional state associated with the loss of someone or something with whom or which one has had a deep emotional bond.
2. Loss refers to many kinds of deprivation

Yes! that is it those are the words to what I am feeling and experiencing.  I am grieving many someones and somethings that I have/had an incredibly DEEP Emotional bond with.  My whole past two yeas has been about emotional bonding not just bonding. It has been about emotionally bonding with myself, others, and God.

I have also just experienced Great loss and am deprived of many things and it stings.

In trying to figure out how to be kind to myself in this season I have restarted counseling again.  I am so thankful for it.  Though I can't wait to be sitting with clients again I am thankful for the times I get to sit on the other end.
I also would like to thank Skype for allowing me to have conversations that feed my soul better than a phone call.  I have been skyping with friends and family through out the week laughing, crying, and just enjoying seeing their faces. Skype has felt like a kind thing to do for myself as well.

On a Random Note: I saw a peacock this morning

One month in Texas

 I have officially been in Texas for one month.  It is kind of hard to believe.  This one month can be summed up in one word "HARD".  I found out shortly after moving here that I have to take and pass the NCE (National Counseling Exam) in order to get my intern number.  If I was a better test taker, or just had more confidence in my academic abilities I might feel better than I do.  So what I have decided to do is to take the month of July and study.  I am making studying my full time job.  I will then hopefully take the exam in August.  I will post when I am going to take it because I can use all the prayers I can get.  

The last weekend in June we went to my cousin Ari's wedding in Rockford, Illinois. Me and my parents drove the 16 hour drive.  

Somewhere in Missouri 

My cousin Ari  

I spent the 4th of July with my parents at their friends house in North Dallas.  We had a gourmet meal and it was delicious.

Here is a my red, white and blue (the ring was a gift from my dear friend Miranda)

Here captures a picture of what my life looks like for the most part.  Studying ... Studying ... Studying

I have been able to take some breaks and visit with some friends which has been nice.  But, this has been a hard season in life filled much anxiety and sadness.  I miss my friends and my known routine in Orlando.  I hate that my purpose lies in passing this exam. In feeling desperate to feel some what better I googled the other night "anxiety stress relief techniques".  I am NEVER a fan of positive thinking techniques but like I said I was desperate.  So one of the things they said to do was make a list of the things that are good in your life.

Some of the things on my list:

Family that has supported me and continues to, Friends that matter a great deal, My cats, A working computer, a graduate degree.

i am slowing figuring out how to study for this HUGE test.  I am slowing getting a plan and routine to my days.  

Thank you all who actually read this thing.  I am trying to learn how to be kind to myself in this season and am sorry I just don't feel very fun and enjoyable to be around.  I am hopeful for October. I look forward to October as life will hopefully be more known.  It was good to read that transitions take about 6 months to settle into.  

Why?

Today there are no answers only questions....

Why?
Why God would you have me in this season?
How am i going to remember all of this information for the Licensing exam?
Why does uncertainty hurt physically and mentally so much?
Why ?
What am I do to do with myself?
Why does it hurt to see my friends in a totally different chapter of life?
Why does it hurt to even go to a wedding?
What will my life be in October?
Why do people in Texas drive like they have 9 lives?
Why am I single?
When will I feel myself again?
When will I want to dance again?
What happens now?
Why?
Why in the World would you give me such a strong desire to sit with others more than anything, grant me a Masters degree to only have to face more trails with doing what I feel You God have called me to?
When will I break completely?
When will I understand that your heart breaks just as much even more than mine for my pain?
How am I suppose to look at sovereignty right now?
Why does missing people Hurt me so much, so deeply, so intensely?
Why?
Why did i move here?
What am I doing here?
When will I feel fun to be around?
Where is the "it will be alright" day?
Why does depression make me feel irritable at everything?
Why does loneliness cause me to want to isolate?
Why?
When will I not live out of a suitcase?
When will my boxes be unpacked?
Where will I live?
When will I have a place to call "Home"?
Why do I constantly feel so tired and exhausted?

Why God? Why?

Graduation to Texas

So many times since my last post one month ago I have tried to post something but life felt too much to try to write it down.

Yes It happened I actually finished my program.  I graduated with my Masters in Counseling May 20, 2011. It really happened. As soon as they handed me my degree and I sat down I opened the flap and just started to cry.  It has been a long road to get here and to be holding it in my hands was a moment of pure Bliss for me.

My parents flew in all the way from the Philippines for this event.  They have been a huge support for me along with many of you. For that I want to say thank you! thank you for all your words, prayers, and encouragement to me .

To my Friends in my program who have impacted my life in ways you will never know.... Thank you.  I miss you all already and my heart aches and longs to see you again.

So the days following graduation turned into packing up my life in Florida. For about a week straight it was packing through out the day and chilling in the evenings.

I then got to go to Marco Island, Florida and visit some good college girl friends.  It was a neat way to celebrate the end of a huge chapter in my life.

Then I left. I left my life in Orlando Florida June 5th.  We loaded up a small U-Haul Truck that my Dad drove and Me and my Mom drove my car with my two cats. We drove up to Atlanta and stayed with my dear friend Deborah May.  It was good to see her and be around a good friend in the midst of this transition.  

Then Texas Tuesday arrived. Tuesday June 7th I arrived in my new chapter of life. Though I have been here before, lived here before it's totally different than visiting.  Moving is hard. I don't like living in the "unknown". I know this will work out, but for now I feel quite tender to much. I am thankful for my best friends parents housing me while I figure out my life here.  

So I am sure I will write more as time goes on saying more exciting things but for now life is just uncertain. There is a way that blogging makes me write and face my reality, so I have avoided this for a while. I am hopeful for a Purpose here. I am sad to say goodbye to friends and a community once again in my life. 

 I know Life will come together here. Currently I am interviewing at a counseling clinic in North Dallas and am looking at applying to a agency job as well.  We will see what works out.  What is Life post-grad school ? not sure yet, but stay tuned and I'll let you know.