It's not Fair

These hours last week I was taking my National Counseling Exam, doing everything I wanted and hoped to do and feel while taking a huge test.

   The day before the test I took some pictures to capture this season I hope would be ending.

Here is a picture of what I spent more time with than any person the last two months. 

My fingers touched every page of every book.  I wrote notes in the notebook, made note cards, watched a DVD training, and took a online test prep course.  This is the desk I have sat at with these books.

These are the posters I made and looked at every day 

The week before the test I enjoyed what I was studying and learning most of the time.  The day before I stopped all studying and just enjoyed a relaxing day, ate lunch with a friend, talked on the phone to  friends, stayed at a Friends Guest House closer to testing site, took a nice bubble bath and tried to get to bed early.

Test day I felt surprisingly calm...After almost 4 long hours with breaks, I walked to the test proctor and was given my things along with a piece of paper.  She had turned the paper over when handing it to me.  I took a deep breath turned it over... there it read "Fail".  You have to score at least a 91 to pass.  I scored a 81.  TEN points off ...Ten points.  The test proctor said "that's a hard one, you'll do better next time" I nodded my head and walked to my car, tears streamed down and then starting overflowing.  I wish I had thought to have someone there when I walked out.  I couldn't bring in my cell phone so I left it at the house. Here I was alone in my car, screaming, crying, feeling numb, confused, sad, devastated.

Then it hit me I have to wait 3 months before I can take it again.  I hate that counselors do this to counselors.  I hate that a test determines if I get to do what I feel so passionate about.  I HATE Tests, Test scores prove nothing about a person's soul.  I wish someone could just watch me counsel then decide if I should be allowed to do this, But NO!! some other person that is better at memorizing, taking tests gets to do this.  I don't have the brains.... but I have the heart. I wish that was worth something.  I wish what other people think I can do well would give me a job.  IT's NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!

I went to the guest house sat on the back porch swing and wept.

Then slowly started telling people.  I have felt defeated, humiliated.  I don't understand fully how one is to deal with sadness and allow us to be a part of it but here are a few thoughts I have had lately.
When someone thinks something is funny they laugh.   Others Laugh.
When someone thinks something is fun they get excited  Others get excited, want to join in
When someone smiles           Others smile
Why do we when we see someone cry do we not just reflect back similar responses like we do with other emotions.
Why when someone is sad do we say, it will be ok, this just means somethings better, look at the bright side.....
When someone is happy or laughing we don't say, hey simmer down don't forget they is a down side.

How do we learn that some emotions are good and others are bad? Why can't all emotions just be that which we they, what we feel.  I understand it's not healthy for one to live in an extreme.
If someone is sad all they time for a long time it could mean something more
If someone is angry all the time for a long time it could mean something more
If someone is happy all the time..... I don't trust you.   This is a Fallen World, it is a broken world.

Everyone who has wrote me or called, thank you. 

I am not sure what is next.
Taking it one day at a time

Every Day is Groundhogs day

So every day I live almost the same day.
I get up sometime around 8ish.
8 am: Open blinds, make bed, get dressed, feed cats, walk dogs for 10 min's, eat breakfast, drink one cup of coffee
9 -10: start studying
10- 1: study for 20 to 30 min at a time
1-2: Eat lunch with everyone in the house
2- 6: study for 20 - 30 min at a time, drink half a cup of coffee or something with caffeine
6-7: Eat dinner
7-9: hang with the Van Rooy's or watch a movie
9:30 take shower
10: Get in bed

....and tomorrow I will do it all over again.
Now I have to be honest.  Some day's I don't start studying till 11 or dare I say it, 1 pm. I have had times I decided I needed to take and break and I look at the clock and it's been 2 hours.  It may look like a crazy amount of studying but the time I am actually studying (retaining information) varies.  I have days that I feel like " yes this is great, I can make it".  And other days I feel like " why did I ever think I could do this? I hate I my life".  The one thing that changes everyday is either I feel great or discouraged.
I have these moments that I realize the patheticness of my life.  Want to hear one example?... I am warning you it is lame... I drive my netflixs videos to the post office. I actually get out of my car and walk it into the post office to drop off my one, yes ONE video.  I feel silly. I mean what if someone is sitting in their car watching me?  On top of that I have had moments where I catch myself talking to myself while I do it.  Bless my heart. Oh dear.

I recently watched the movie "127 Hours" which is the true story of the guy who got stuck while rock climbing and had to cut off his own arm.  (I wouldn't recommend for the faint at heart) But I cried while watching it.  I can identity with him.  I feel stuck too.  I feel alone. I feel like I am going crazy some days.  I feel like sometimes I am just trying to survive.  And I think I will leave part of my being in this past month. I often think July early August will be a time on the Calendar that I will never ever look at the same.  This season as well as others has left a mark on my life.

I am living with one of my best friends (Stephanie) parents.  Stephanie and her husband and family dropped off their dogs at the house while they take 4 trips. I have taken on taking care of the dogs.  They have been a form of therapy for me.  I take them out for a 15min walk about every 2 hours.  They need to be let out therefore I have to get out and move around.

Here is a picture of the dogs that I think have helped keep me sane at moments.

One week left of studying ... Test Day August 11.  8-11-11 is a big day in my world.

Some things that have been helpful:  a Friends words on not putting so much pressure on one day knowing that I have other options I am wanted in other places too.
Friends that call and check in on me.  I have decided the day before my test I am going to not study and celebrate by doing some fun things.

I think mostly I look forward to the day I will read this post and be mindful of the journey

What studying has revealed

So I am studying for the NCE (National Counseling Exam)... every. single. day.

Part of the section I was studying yesterday made sense to every part of my being.

Grief and Loss
1. Grief is the normal intense emotional state associated with the loss of someone or something with whom or which one has had a deep emotional bond.
2. Loss refers to many kinds of deprivation

Yes! that is it those are the words to what I am feeling and experiencing.  I am grieving many someones and somethings that I have/had an incredibly DEEP Emotional bond with.  My whole past two yeas has been about emotional bonding not just bonding. It has been about emotionally bonding with myself, others, and God.

I have also just experienced Great loss and am deprived of many things and it stings.

In trying to figure out how to be kind to myself in this season I have restarted counseling again.  I am so thankful for it.  Though I can't wait to be sitting with clients again I am thankful for the times I get to sit on the other end.
I also would like to thank Skype for allowing me to have conversations that feed my soul better than a phone call.  I have been skyping with friends and family through out the week laughing, crying, and just enjoying seeing their faces. Skype has felt like a kind thing to do for myself as well.

On a Random Note: I saw a peacock this morning

One month in Texas

 I have officially been in Texas for one month.  It is kind of hard to believe.  This one month can be summed up in one word "HARD".  I found out shortly after moving here that I have to take and pass the NCE (National Counseling Exam) in order to get my intern number.  If I was a better test taker, or just had more confidence in my academic abilities I might feel better than I do.  So what I have decided to do is to take the month of July and study.  I am making studying my full time job.  I will then hopefully take the exam in August.  I will post when I am going to take it because I can use all the prayers I can get.  

The last weekend in June we went to my cousin Ari's wedding in Rockford, Illinois. Me and my parents drove the 16 hour drive.  

Somewhere in Missouri 

My cousin Ari  

I spent the 4th of July with my parents at their friends house in North Dallas.  We had a gourmet meal and it was delicious.

Here is a my red, white and blue (the ring was a gift from my dear friend Miranda)

Here captures a picture of what my life looks like for the most part.  Studying ... Studying ... Studying

I have been able to take some breaks and visit with some friends which has been nice.  But, this has been a hard season in life filled much anxiety and sadness.  I miss my friends and my known routine in Orlando.  I hate that my purpose lies in passing this exam. In feeling desperate to feel some what better I googled the other night "anxiety stress relief techniques".  I am NEVER a fan of positive thinking techniques but like I said I was desperate.  So one of the things they said to do was make a list of the things that are good in your life.

Some of the things on my list:

Family that has supported me and continues to, Friends that matter a great deal, My cats, A working computer, a graduate degree.

i am slowing figuring out how to study for this HUGE test.  I am slowing getting a plan and routine to my days.  

Thank you all who actually read this thing.  I am trying to learn how to be kind to myself in this season and am sorry I just don't feel very fun and enjoyable to be around.  I am hopeful for October. I look forward to October as life will hopefully be more known.  It was good to read that transitions take about 6 months to settle into.  

Why?

Today there are no answers only questions....

Why?
Why God would you have me in this season?
How am i going to remember all of this information for the Licensing exam?
Why does uncertainty hurt physically and mentally so much?
Why ?
What am I do to do with myself?
Why does it hurt to see my friends in a totally different chapter of life?
Why does it hurt to even go to a wedding?
What will my life be in October?
Why do people in Texas drive like they have 9 lives?
Why am I single?
When will I feel myself again?
When will I want to dance again?
What happens now?
Why?
Why in the World would you give me such a strong desire to sit with others more than anything, grant me a Masters degree to only have to face more trails with doing what I feel You God have called me to?
When will I break completely?
When will I understand that your heart breaks just as much even more than mine for my pain?
How am I suppose to look at sovereignty right now?
Why does missing people Hurt me so much, so deeply, so intensely?
Why?
Why did i move here?
What am I doing here?
When will I feel fun to be around?
Where is the "it will be alright" day?
Why does depression make me feel irritable at everything?
Why does loneliness cause me to want to isolate?
Why?
When will I not live out of a suitcase?
When will my boxes be unpacked?
Where will I live?
When will I have a place to call "Home"?
Why do I constantly feel so tired and exhausted?

Why God? Why?

Graduation to Texas

So many times since my last post one month ago I have tried to post something but life felt too much to try to write it down.

Yes It happened I actually finished my program.  I graduated with my Masters in Counseling May 20, 2011. It really happened. As soon as they handed me my degree and I sat down I opened the flap and just started to cry.  It has been a long road to get here and to be holding it in my hands was a moment of pure Bliss for me.

My parents flew in all the way from the Philippines for this event.  They have been a huge support for me along with many of you. For that I want to say thank you! thank you for all your words, prayers, and encouragement to me .

To my Friends in my program who have impacted my life in ways you will never know.... Thank you.  I miss you all already and my heart aches and longs to see you again.

So the days following graduation turned into packing up my life in Florida. For about a week straight it was packing through out the day and chilling in the evenings.

I then got to go to Marco Island, Florida and visit some good college girl friends.  It was a neat way to celebrate the end of a huge chapter in my life.

Then I left. I left my life in Orlando Florida June 5th.  We loaded up a small U-Haul Truck that my Dad drove and Me and my Mom drove my car with my two cats. We drove up to Atlanta and stayed with my dear friend Deborah May.  It was good to see her and be around a good friend in the midst of this transition.  

Then Texas Tuesday arrived. Tuesday June 7th I arrived in my new chapter of life. Though I have been here before, lived here before it's totally different than visiting.  Moving is hard. I don't like living in the "unknown". I know this will work out, but for now I feel quite tender to much. I am thankful for my best friends parents housing me while I figure out my life here.  

So I am sure I will write more as time goes on saying more exciting things but for now life is just uncertain. There is a way that blogging makes me write and face my reality, so I have avoided this for a while. I am hopeful for a Purpose here. I am sad to say goodbye to friends and a community once again in my life. 

 I know Life will come together here. Currently I am interviewing at a counseling clinic in North Dallas and am looking at applying to a agency job as well.  We will see what works out.  What is Life post-grad school ? not sure yet, but stay tuned and I'll let you know.

  

the last

Everything right now is the last.  Right now I sit in my last class I will ever take at Reformed Theological Seminary. Alec and Joel my classmates that have been with me, and seen me I mean really see me.  They are two men that I believe in and know will touch lives from here on out. This classroom is full of men, men who want to minister to others, men who want to preach, men who want to teach the gospel.  It is amazing that this classroom is full of people who desire to do something great with their lives.  Though MDiv students come here and take different classes our hearts beat for the same reason.   I am catching myself distancing from paying attention and trying to just soak this in.  This moment that will be a memory of something I did in my life.
this Friday I will see my last client.  I went to my last group supervision last week and my last Staff Meeting.
I will never sit with all my classmates again in a class room.  The next time we will all be together will be at graduation and I know that won't be the normal way we have been together.

A week ago we had our class retreat, and It will be a weekend I will never forget.  There is a way I feel that this community has given me a taste of what I think Heaven will be like.  to be among people that love you, are for you, a place where you feel you belong.   this, this is what it what it must mean to belong somewhere.