A place to call Home

So ... I am moving to Birmingham, Alabama October 30th.

I went out for a visit at the beginning of October and feel in love with the city.  It felt so good to be enjoying the company of good friends, enjoying my surroundings and finding a place to call home.

Yes we are all Counselors

 I have been to many cities and I would say if you have not been to Birmingham GO!

While in Birmingham I stayed with my dear friends Cheryl and Larry Ver Hoef.  If you have been following my blog I wrote about their wedding in April.  Cheryl went through my counseling program with me and she has left an impression on my life that I can't rub off nor do I want to even try.
Cheryl and Larry .... they are kind of odd in the way they love people.  Let me see if I can explain the oddness.
So Cheryl and Larry have a home with 3 bedrooms.  Want to know what they did with the other 2 rooms? They created a place to call home for me and my friend Elizabeth.  They literally call one room "Lani's Room" and the other room "Elizabeth's Room" WHO DOES THAT?  Honestly hearing her talk about preparing this room with me in mind was something I thought you don't get to enjoy on this side of heaven.

A fresh batch of Flowers to greet me each morning 

She made the curtains

"Lani's Room"

Isn't just Beautiful!

The other thing Cheryl and Larry do well is eating good delicious food and drinking incredibly great wine.  I feel like I could do a blog post just on the food alone. Everyday was a decadent feast. 

So while in Birmingham I looked at several apartments and the very last day I found one.  I walked in and felt instantly this is a place to call home. The landlord is a sweet old man who is going to give me the first month free of rent.  It is 5 min's away from Cheryl and Larry.  Here is my new place of residence.  Finally I have an address a place to unload my boxes for a while.  

The Bedroom 

The Kitchen

The Living Room

The Lanai/Porch

 I finally have an answer to two Questions. 

1. When are you moving? October 30, 2011

2. Where are you living? A cute quaint one  bedroom Apartment at Underwood Court

What I still don't have answer's for.

1. Where are you working?

2. Where are you practicing counseling?

3.  What do you do? 

Some days I am excited and hopeful for this new move and other days I am overcome with so much fear, terror and anxiety that I can't move, literally. 

 I get afraid that this move will not work out. 

 I Fear what still is not known.

I have been thinking the last couple days if 3 years ago some person would have walked up to me on the white sandy beaches of Hawaii and said " the next three years you will live in Florida, Texas, and..... ALABAMABA and you will live in those 3 states all within a matter of 6 months".  I would have either been tempted to give them my evilest eye or Laugh really hard with maybe a "Yea right! (wink) ok crazy person". 

I do have some interviews lined up the first week in November.  Here's to hoping that someday on this blog I can share I have a job, a routine, a LIFE again.

Thank you for journeying with me.  

Here we go again.. no wait here I go again

The space in my blogging is because life has been full of so much unknown that there didn't seem anything to write about. So after thinking and thinking and weighing and researching my  life's options and choices with where I am in life... I have decided to move to Alabama.  Birmingham to be exact.  I have a community of people there that are for me and are a community I want to be around because they are people that dream and think the way I want to continue to. Also the laws are different in Alabama and I would be able to see clients sooner.  The state has the exact same exam the NCE and requires the same supervised hours.  I also found out that with the right paper work Texas will accept a License from Alabama.  It's nice to know that I have options.
This decision did not come with out much twisting in my heart because my parents are going to be moving back to Texas in February.  The whole reason I moved out here was to be closer to family and friends and to be somewhere for a while.  

I wish that this move would guarantee that I won't experience loneliness or other hard seasons.
But I guess knowing that those things will still happen and that I get to still choose where I want to be. I  choose this plan.

I don't know all the details yet like where will I live? Work? Most questions my answer still is UNKOWN.  But I am willing to take this risk and just see.

One of my dear friends was saying that sometimes being Courageous looks like Foolishness and some times what looks Foolish is Courageous.

Today I grabbed and loaded boxes into my car from my parents container on a horse ranch... again...
I did this already.  I actually did this exact thing two years ago.  No wait I have put boxes in my car too move many times in the past two years.
I moved to Florida from Hawaii summer of 2009.  Then I stayed with someone for a week, then moved into a home for a month, then moved into a small apartment.  I did all that from June 2009 to August 2009. I then moved again summer of 2010 from that apartment into a house which I shared with 3 other people.
Then I just packed up my stuff again this past summer 2011.  And now I am moving again.
So let's see that's 6 about to be 7 moves in the past 2 years.  YUCK!

As I was loading my car this older man that takes care of the property drove by and asked if I needed help. I said no I was fine, he asked where I was headed. I heard my voice "Alabama" I think you can't even say Alabama with out sounding southern, or with a accent.  He said what? your car has Florida license plates and your in Texas.  I said yea and now I moving to Alabama.
 I am moving to Alabama.
I am moving.

In case your wanting to know:
* I have Florida license plates
* I live in Texas right now
* I am moving to Alabama
* I have a Hawaii Drivers License
What the Heck?!

I find that sometimes I have a hard time understanding or relating to people that were born and raised and stayed in one place.

It was nice to see some of my things again.  I long for the day when I can be out of boxes.

So what my next month looks like.  I am going to  be driving the 10 hour trip to Alabama next week to check out things and visit with good friends.  I will then drive back to Texas and tie up things here. Then I hope to be moving sometime in November.

I still am living in much uncertainty.  I am not very good at waiting season's.

It's not Fair

These hours last week I was taking my National Counseling Exam, doing everything I wanted and hoped to do and feel while taking a huge test.

   The day before the test I took some pictures to capture this season I hope would be ending.

Here is a picture of what I spent more time with than any person the last two months. 

My fingers touched every page of every book.  I wrote notes in the notebook, made note cards, watched a DVD training, and took a online test prep course.  This is the desk I have sat at with these books.

These are the posters I made and looked at every day 

The week before the test I enjoyed what I was studying and learning most of the time.  The day before I stopped all studying and just enjoyed a relaxing day, ate lunch with a friend, talked on the phone to  friends, stayed at a Friends Guest House closer to testing site, took a nice bubble bath and tried to get to bed early.

Test day I felt surprisingly calm...After almost 4 long hours with breaks, I walked to the test proctor and was given my things along with a piece of paper.  She had turned the paper over when handing it to me.  I took a deep breath turned it over... there it read "Fail".  You have to score at least a 91 to pass.  I scored a 81.  TEN points off ...Ten points.  The test proctor said "that's a hard one, you'll do better next time" I nodded my head and walked to my car, tears streamed down and then starting overflowing.  I wish I had thought to have someone there when I walked out.  I couldn't bring in my cell phone so I left it at the house. Here I was alone in my car, screaming, crying, feeling numb, confused, sad, devastated.

Then it hit me I have to wait 3 months before I can take it again.  I hate that counselors do this to counselors.  I hate that a test determines if I get to do what I feel so passionate about.  I HATE Tests, Test scores prove nothing about a person's soul.  I wish someone could just watch me counsel then decide if I should be allowed to do this, But NO!! some other person that is better at memorizing, taking tests gets to do this.  I don't have the brains.... but I have the heart. I wish that was worth something.  I wish what other people think I can do well would give me a job.  IT's NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!

I went to the guest house sat on the back porch swing and wept.

Then slowly started telling people.  I have felt defeated, humiliated.  I don't understand fully how one is to deal with sadness and allow us to be a part of it but here are a few thoughts I have had lately.
When someone thinks something is funny they laugh.   Others Laugh.
When someone thinks something is fun they get excited  Others get excited, want to join in
When someone smiles           Others smile
Why do we when we see someone cry do we not just reflect back similar responses like we do with other emotions.
Why when someone is sad do we say, it will be ok, this just means somethings better, look at the bright side.....
When someone is happy or laughing we don't say, hey simmer down don't forget they is a down side.

How do we learn that some emotions are good and others are bad? Why can't all emotions just be that which we they, what we feel.  I understand it's not healthy for one to live in an extreme.
If someone is sad all they time for a long time it could mean something more
If someone is angry all the time for a long time it could mean something more
If someone is happy all the time..... I don't trust you.   This is a Fallen World, it is a broken world.

Everyone who has wrote me or called, thank you. 

I am not sure what is next.
Taking it one day at a time

Every Day is Groundhogs day

So every day I live almost the same day.
I get up sometime around 8ish.
8 am: Open blinds, make bed, get dressed, feed cats, walk dogs for 10 min's, eat breakfast, drink one cup of coffee
9 -10: start studying
10- 1: study for 20 to 30 min at a time
1-2: Eat lunch with everyone in the house
2- 6: study for 20 - 30 min at a time, drink half a cup of coffee or something with caffeine
6-7: Eat dinner
7-9: hang with the Van Rooy's or watch a movie
9:30 take shower
10: Get in bed

....and tomorrow I will do it all over again.
Now I have to be honest.  Some day's I don't start studying till 11 or dare I say it, 1 pm. I have had times I decided I needed to take and break and I look at the clock and it's been 2 hours.  It may look like a crazy amount of studying but the time I am actually studying (retaining information) varies.  I have days that I feel like " yes this is great, I can make it".  And other days I feel like " why did I ever think I could do this? I hate I my life".  The one thing that changes everyday is either I feel great or discouraged.
I have these moments that I realize the patheticness of my life.  Want to hear one example?... I am warning you it is lame... I drive my netflixs videos to the post office. I actually get out of my car and walk it into the post office to drop off my one, yes ONE video.  I feel silly. I mean what if someone is sitting in their car watching me?  On top of that I have had moments where I catch myself talking to myself while I do it.  Bless my heart. Oh dear.

I recently watched the movie "127 Hours" which is the true story of the guy who got stuck while rock climbing and had to cut off his own arm.  (I wouldn't recommend for the faint at heart) But I cried while watching it.  I can identity with him.  I feel stuck too.  I feel alone. I feel like I am going crazy some days.  I feel like sometimes I am just trying to survive.  And I think I will leave part of my being in this past month. I often think July early August will be a time on the Calendar that I will never ever look at the same.  This season as well as others has left a mark on my life.

I am living with one of my best friends (Stephanie) parents.  Stephanie and her husband and family dropped off their dogs at the house while they take 4 trips. I have taken on taking care of the dogs.  They have been a form of therapy for me.  I take them out for a 15min walk about every 2 hours.  They need to be let out therefore I have to get out and move around.

Here is a picture of the dogs that I think have helped keep me sane at moments.

One week left of studying ... Test Day August 11.  8-11-11 is a big day in my world.

Some things that have been helpful:  a Friends words on not putting so much pressure on one day knowing that I have other options I am wanted in other places too.
Friends that call and check in on me.  I have decided the day before my test I am going to not study and celebrate by doing some fun things.

I think mostly I look forward to the day I will read this post and be mindful of the journey

What studying has revealed

So I am studying for the NCE (National Counseling Exam)... every. single. day.

Part of the section I was studying yesterday made sense to every part of my being.

Grief and Loss
1. Grief is the normal intense emotional state associated with the loss of someone or something with whom or which one has had a deep emotional bond.
2. Loss refers to many kinds of deprivation

Yes! that is it those are the words to what I am feeling and experiencing.  I am grieving many someones and somethings that I have/had an incredibly DEEP Emotional bond with.  My whole past two yeas has been about emotional bonding not just bonding. It has been about emotionally bonding with myself, others, and God.

I have also just experienced Great loss and am deprived of many things and it stings.

In trying to figure out how to be kind to myself in this season I have restarted counseling again.  I am so thankful for it.  Though I can't wait to be sitting with clients again I am thankful for the times I get to sit on the other end.
I also would like to thank Skype for allowing me to have conversations that feed my soul better than a phone call.  I have been skyping with friends and family through out the week laughing, crying, and just enjoying seeing their faces. Skype has felt like a kind thing to do for myself as well.

On a Random Note: I saw a peacock this morning

One month in Texas

 I have officially been in Texas for one month.  It is kind of hard to believe.  This one month can be summed up in one word "HARD".  I found out shortly after moving here that I have to take and pass the NCE (National Counseling Exam) in order to get my intern number.  If I was a better test taker, or just had more confidence in my academic abilities I might feel better than I do.  So what I have decided to do is to take the month of July and study.  I am making studying my full time job.  I will then hopefully take the exam in August.  I will post when I am going to take it because I can use all the prayers I can get.  

The last weekend in June we went to my cousin Ari's wedding in Rockford, Illinois. Me and my parents drove the 16 hour drive.  

Somewhere in Missouri 

My cousin Ari  

I spent the 4th of July with my parents at their friends house in North Dallas.  We had a gourmet meal and it was delicious.

Here is a my red, white and blue (the ring was a gift from my dear friend Miranda)

Here captures a picture of what my life looks like for the most part.  Studying ... Studying ... Studying

I have been able to take some breaks and visit with some friends which has been nice.  But, this has been a hard season in life filled much anxiety and sadness.  I miss my friends and my known routine in Orlando.  I hate that my purpose lies in passing this exam. In feeling desperate to feel some what better I googled the other night "anxiety stress relief techniques".  I am NEVER a fan of positive thinking techniques but like I said I was desperate.  So one of the things they said to do was make a list of the things that are good in your life.

Some of the things on my list:

Family that has supported me and continues to, Friends that matter a great deal, My cats, A working computer, a graduate degree.

i am slowing figuring out how to study for this HUGE test.  I am slowing getting a plan and routine to my days.  

Thank you all who actually read this thing.  I am trying to learn how to be kind to myself in this season and am sorry I just don't feel very fun and enjoyable to be around.  I am hopeful for October. I look forward to October as life will hopefully be more known.  It was good to read that transitions take about 6 months to settle into.  

Why?

Today there are no answers only questions....

Why?
Why God would you have me in this season?
How am i going to remember all of this information for the Licensing exam?
Why does uncertainty hurt physically and mentally so much?
Why ?
What am I do to do with myself?
Why does it hurt to see my friends in a totally different chapter of life?
Why does it hurt to even go to a wedding?
What will my life be in October?
Why do people in Texas drive like they have 9 lives?
Why am I single?
When will I feel myself again?
When will I want to dance again?
What happens now?
Why?
Why in the World would you give me such a strong desire to sit with others more than anything, grant me a Masters degree to only have to face more trails with doing what I feel You God have called me to?
When will I break completely?
When will I understand that your heart breaks just as much even more than mine for my pain?
How am I suppose to look at sovereignty right now?
Why does missing people Hurt me so much, so deeply, so intensely?
Why?
Why did i move here?
What am I doing here?
When will I feel fun to be around?
Where is the "it will be alright" day?
Why does depression make me feel irritable at everything?
Why does loneliness cause me to want to isolate?
Why?
When will I not live out of a suitcase?
When will my boxes be unpacked?
Where will I live?
When will I have a place to call "Home"?
Why do I constantly feel so tired and exhausted?

Why God? Why?