Why?

Today there are no answers only questions....

Why?
Why God would you have me in this season?
How am i going to remember all of this information for the Licensing exam?
Why does uncertainty hurt physically and mentally so much?
Why ?
What am I do to do with myself?
Why does it hurt to see my friends in a totally different chapter of life?
Why does it hurt to even go to a wedding?
What will my life be in October?
Why do people in Texas drive like they have 9 lives?
Why am I single?
When will I feel myself again?
When will I want to dance again?
What happens now?
Why?
Why in the World would you give me such a strong desire to sit with others more than anything, grant me a Masters degree to only have to face more trails with doing what I feel You God have called me to?
When will I break completely?
When will I understand that your heart breaks just as much even more than mine for my pain?
How am I suppose to look at sovereignty right now?
Why does missing people Hurt me so much, so deeply, so intensely?
Why?
Why did i move here?
What am I doing here?
When will I feel fun to be around?
Where is the "it will be alright" day?
Why does depression make me feel irritable at everything?
Why does loneliness cause me to want to isolate?
Why?
When will I not live out of a suitcase?
When will my boxes be unpacked?
Where will I live?
When will I have a place to call "Home"?
Why do I constantly feel so tired and exhausted?

Why God? Why?

Graduation to Texas

So many times since my last post one month ago I have tried to post something but life felt too much to try to write it down.

Yes It happened I actually finished my program.  I graduated with my Masters in Counseling May 20, 2011. It really happened. As soon as they handed me my degree and I sat down I opened the flap and just started to cry.  It has been a long road to get here and to be holding it in my hands was a moment of pure Bliss for me.

My parents flew in all the way from the Philippines for this event.  They have been a huge support for me along with many of you. For that I want to say thank you! thank you for all your words, prayers, and encouragement to me .

To my Friends in my program who have impacted my life in ways you will never know.... Thank you.  I miss you all already and my heart aches and longs to see you again.

So the days following graduation turned into packing up my life in Florida. For about a week straight it was packing through out the day and chilling in the evenings.

I then got to go to Marco Island, Florida and visit some good college girl friends.  It was a neat way to celebrate the end of a huge chapter in my life.

Then I left. I left my life in Orlando Florida June 5th.  We loaded up a small U-Haul Truck that my Dad drove and Me and my Mom drove my car with my two cats. We drove up to Atlanta and stayed with my dear friend Deborah May.  It was good to see her and be around a good friend in the midst of this transition.  

Then Texas Tuesday arrived. Tuesday June 7th I arrived in my new chapter of life. Though I have been here before, lived here before it's totally different than visiting.  Moving is hard. I don't like living in the "unknown". I know this will work out, but for now I feel quite tender to much. I am thankful for my best friends parents housing me while I figure out my life here.  

So I am sure I will write more as time goes on saying more exciting things but for now life is just uncertain. There is a way that blogging makes me write and face my reality, so I have avoided this for a while. I am hopeful for a Purpose here. I am sad to say goodbye to friends and a community once again in my life. 

 I know Life will come together here. Currently I am interviewing at a counseling clinic in North Dallas and am looking at applying to a agency job as well.  We will see what works out.  What is Life post-grad school ? not sure yet, but stay tuned and I'll let you know.

  

the last

Everything right now is the last.  Right now I sit in my last class I will ever take at Reformed Theological Seminary. Alec and Joel my classmates that have been with me, and seen me I mean really see me.  They are two men that I believe in and know will touch lives from here on out. This classroom is full of men, men who want to minister to others, men who want to preach, men who want to teach the gospel.  It is amazing that this classroom is full of people who desire to do something great with their lives.  Though MDiv students come here and take different classes our hearts beat for the same reason.   I am catching myself distancing from paying attention and trying to just soak this in.  This moment that will be a memory of something I did in my life.
this Friday I will see my last client.  I went to my last group supervision last week and my last Staff Meeting.
I will never sit with all my classmates again in a class room.  The next time we will all be together will be at graduation and I know that won't be the normal way we have been together.

A week ago we had our class retreat, and It will be a weekend I will never forget.  There is a way I feel that this community has given me a taste of what I think Heaven will be like.  to be among people that love you, are for you, a place where you feel you belong.   this, this is what it what it must mean to belong somewhere.

Dissapointment

Disappointment.
Disappointment is Not something many like to always talk about.  Nothing about Disappointment feels happy, exciting or makes you want to go Yippie.  When I sometimes bring up this topic with Clients they resist it like the plague but boy do I understand,  Nothing fun to say in talking disappointments.
But just like every other feeling Disappointment is real and feels quite strong and powerful.
The way I talk to myself in my head when faced or facing disappointment is nothing but cruel.

Over the past few days in some little and some big ways I have felt disappointment. Feeling disappointment also leaves me feeling frustrated. Tonight when I felt it there was even a sudden reaction I noticed that I stomped my foot in anger... Why God? Why would you allow me to feel such things in such ways?   Why would you give me tastes of things that I desire and want?  Why ? Why do you allow me to feel so much in my disappointment? Why have you allowed me to know and build such a great community to have it be ending all too soon? Why do people love me so much? Why do I hate when I am loved?

I am disappointed that something I worked so hard and long for is now coming to a end.  I am disappointed that I am with out a companion to do life with.  I am disappointed that I am the only who I make decisions with. I am disappointed in desiring so much because well then I get hurt.  I am hurt.  I am disappointed in how I have handled some relationships. I am disappointed in how others have handled certain relationship and situations with me.  I am disappointed that I can't make my Clients change, that I don't have the power to make them like me.  Or rather that not everyone that knows me or will know me will like me.  I am disappointed that there are people in the world that don't like me.
I am disappointed that I long for things that seem so far out of my reach.

My heart aches ....

A story of a wedding

April 9, 2011

This is the date my dear Friend Cheryl married Larry.  The day started off slow.  When me and Elizabeth arrived at the Young's house the bride was still in her Pj's (she actually was in her PJ's till 2 hrs before, the most relaxed bride ever).  We all sat on the back porch just chilling and talking.  Cheryl then made up some Gin and Tonic's for us to sip on while we got ready.

then hair was done

The dress was put on and there she stood a beautiful bride

Then the wedding in a garden. We watched as the Miracle of two lives of two people became one

Then with good cheese and wine the celebrate of a sacred union took place

Cheryl and Larry I am so honored that i got to witness this most amazing and life changing day. 

Cheryl I feel my words fall short Dear Friend of how much you and your friendship has and does mean to me.  You are such a beautiful women who has taught me about enjoying good food, good wine, and good conversation.  I love that I got to be apart of this journey with you.  I feel beyond honored to have been one of few who got front row seats to your life these past two years.  

Roger Shepherd told me in my Clinical Review "Grief carves out a Jar for Joy" ....  I love you so much.

A night of feasting

Tonight ...
Tonight there was a viola played in a Urban Garden

Tonight there was a practice of a big event for tomorrow in a garden
Tonight the I saw my dear friend wear heels for the first time, Green heels!!

Tonight there was a beautiful sunset
Tonight there was good wine

Tonight there was deliciously rich yummy tasty food
Tonight there was laugher
Tonight there was tears

Tonight stories from long ago to recent days were shared
Tonight a man spoke of such kindness, grace, strength of a man named Dwayne who was the husband of the bride.  His words were with deep thought, remembrance and love.  His words honored the man he was, the friend he was, and the husband he was.  His words spoke to the beauty of his blushing bride who sat next to him in such peace and stillness.  His words were heard, and they will not be forgotten.  He is a man who is to be my dear Friends' husband.  Who is this man? What Groom takes time to remember...? What Groom brings into his rehearsal dinner the memory of his brides first love? This Man... this man whom is marrying my friend tomorrow...
Tonight was Cheryl Wood and Larry Ver Hoef's Rehearsal

Tomorrow they will marry...

Singleness

I have wanted to blog about this for months and finally feel that I have some words about it

So I googled single and here is the wikapedia definition of single.

 In legal definitions for interpersonal status, a single person is someone who is not in a relationship or is "unmarried".

Both single and unmarried people may participate in dating rituals and other activities to find a long-term partner or spouse. However, in some cases single people are not interested in marriage, domestic partnership, or other types of formal, committed relationships. People may remain single for a variety of reasons, including: financial and emotional or physical health issues, stress in the family, time constraints, education, career, personal preferences, advanced age, social fears or love-shyness, and even living in a society or locality where there aren't enough people of the sex one is attracted to.^[1][2] Certain careers and positions require that people remain single. Sometimes, this is coupled with celibacy or chastity, either for secular or for religious reasons, such as priests, nuns and monks in certain faiths.

Loneliness can occur for some people who look for but cannot find anyone they might wish to date, especially for those suffering the loss ofcompanionship following divorce or bereavement. Some single people, however, regard and appreciate solitude as an opportunity.

So according to Google only Single people can experience loneliness?

SINGLE...  what does this word really even mean?

I have been thinking a lot more about my singleness this year.  I have been intentional about looking at some things that I have not before.  I have allowed some space for me to grieve my singleness, though I have just scratched the surface it feels different to know that I can.  I have asked others to speak to me about how they experience me as Single.  I have enjoyed my singleness. This program and some things happening in others lives around me has made me look at this area in my life more closely than before.

Some stupid things I hear in being single.
 "Lani do you want to get married?" in case you are wondering the answer: I Have Never Not Wanted to
"Are you dating anyone?" answer: Believe me I will be proud, exciting and thrilled to let everyone in my life know as soon as it happens, I have no desire to keep such things a secret.
"Just be open" i get that people mean well by that, but what does that even mean? and how then am I not open?
"Just enjoy your singleness you'll miss it someday" Easy for others to say, this comment always makes me want to say enjoy your marriage may you relish in it more and more each day that you have someone to witness you life and to call you to more of what you were created to be, that you have someone to take care of you when you are sick, to hang with on a thursday night, someone that knows you inside and out.

Singleness it's just raw sometimes.