the last

Everything right now is the last.  Right now I sit in my last class I will ever take at Reformed Theological Seminary. Alec and Joel my classmates that have been with me, and seen me I mean really see me.  They are two men that I believe in and know will touch lives from here on out. This classroom is full of men, men who want to minister to others, men who want to preach, men who want to teach the gospel.  It is amazing that this classroom is full of people who desire to do something great with their lives.  Though MDiv students come here and take different classes our hearts beat for the same reason.   I am catching myself distancing from paying attention and trying to just soak this in.  This moment that will be a memory of something I did in my life.
this Friday I will see my last client.  I went to my last group supervision last week and my last Staff Meeting.
I will never sit with all my classmates again in a class room.  The next time we will all be together will be at graduation and I know that won't be the normal way we have been together.

A week ago we had our class retreat, and It will be a weekend I will never forget.  There is a way I feel that this community has given me a taste of what I think Heaven will be like.  to be among people that love you, are for you, a place where you feel you belong.   this, this is what it what it must mean to belong somewhere.

Dissapointment

Disappointment.
Disappointment is Not something many like to always talk about.  Nothing about Disappointment feels happy, exciting or makes you want to go Yippie.  When I sometimes bring up this topic with Clients they resist it like the plague but boy do I understand,  Nothing fun to say in talking disappointments.
But just like every other feeling Disappointment is real and feels quite strong and powerful.
The way I talk to myself in my head when faced or facing disappointment is nothing but cruel.

Over the past few days in some little and some big ways I have felt disappointment. Feeling disappointment also leaves me feeling frustrated. Tonight when I felt it there was even a sudden reaction I noticed that I stomped my foot in anger... Why God? Why would you allow me to feel such things in such ways?   Why would you give me tastes of things that I desire and want?  Why ? Why do you allow me to feel so much in my disappointment? Why have you allowed me to know and build such a great community to have it be ending all too soon? Why do people love me so much? Why do I hate when I am loved?

I am disappointed that something I worked so hard and long for is now coming to a end.  I am disappointed that I am with out a companion to do life with.  I am disappointed that I am the only who I make decisions with. I am disappointed in desiring so much because well then I get hurt.  I am hurt.  I am disappointed in how I have handled some relationships. I am disappointed in how others have handled certain relationship and situations with me.  I am disappointed that I can't make my Clients change, that I don't have the power to make them like me.  Or rather that not everyone that knows me or will know me will like me.  I am disappointed that there are people in the world that don't like me.
I am disappointed that I long for things that seem so far out of my reach.

My heart aches ....

A story of a wedding

April 9, 2011

This is the date my dear Friend Cheryl married Larry.  The day started off slow.  When me and Elizabeth arrived at the Young's house the bride was still in her Pj's (she actually was in her PJ's till 2 hrs before, the most relaxed bride ever).  We all sat on the back porch just chilling and talking.  Cheryl then made up some Gin and Tonic's for us to sip on while we got ready.

then hair was done

The dress was put on and there she stood a beautiful bride

Then the wedding in a garden. We watched as the Miracle of two lives of two people became one

Then with good cheese and wine the celebrate of a sacred union took place

Cheryl and Larry I am so honored that i got to witness this most amazing and life changing day. 

Cheryl I feel my words fall short Dear Friend of how much you and your friendship has and does mean to me.  You are such a beautiful women who has taught me about enjoying good food, good wine, and good conversation.  I love that I got to be apart of this journey with you.  I feel beyond honored to have been one of few who got front row seats to your life these past two years.  

Roger Shepherd told me in my Clinical Review "Grief carves out a Jar for Joy" ....  I love you so much.

A night of feasting

Tonight ...
Tonight there was a viola played in a Urban Garden

Tonight there was a practice of a big event for tomorrow in a garden
Tonight the I saw my dear friend wear heels for the first time, Green heels!!

Tonight there was a beautiful sunset
Tonight there was good wine

Tonight there was deliciously rich yummy tasty food
Tonight there was laugher
Tonight there was tears

Tonight stories from long ago to recent days were shared
Tonight a man spoke of such kindness, grace, strength of a man named Dwayne who was the husband of the bride.  His words were with deep thought, remembrance and love.  His words honored the man he was, the friend he was, and the husband he was.  His words spoke to the beauty of his blushing bride who sat next to him in such peace and stillness.  His words were heard, and they will not be forgotten.  He is a man who is to be my dear Friends' husband.  Who is this man? What Groom takes time to remember...? What Groom brings into his rehearsal dinner the memory of his brides first love? This Man... this man whom is marrying my friend tomorrow...
Tonight was Cheryl Wood and Larry Ver Hoef's Rehearsal

Tomorrow they will marry...

Singleness

I have wanted to blog about this for months and finally feel that I have some words about it

So I googled single and here is the wikapedia definition of single.

 In legal definitions for interpersonal status, a single person is someone who is not in a relationship or is "unmarried".

Both single and unmarried people may participate in dating rituals and other activities to find a long-term partner or spouse. However, in some cases single people are not interested in marriage, domestic partnership, or other types of formal, committed relationships. People may remain single for a variety of reasons, including: financial and emotional or physical health issues, stress in the family, time constraints, education, career, personal preferences, advanced age, social fears or love-shyness, and even living in a society or locality where there aren't enough people of the sex one is attracted to.^[1][2] Certain careers and positions require that people remain single. Sometimes, this is coupled with celibacy or chastity, either for secular or for religious reasons, such as priests, nuns and monks in certain faiths.

Loneliness can occur for some people who look for but cannot find anyone they might wish to date, especially for those suffering the loss ofcompanionship following divorce or bereavement. Some single people, however, regard and appreciate solitude as an opportunity.

So according to Google only Single people can experience loneliness?

SINGLE...  what does this word really even mean?

I have been thinking a lot more about my singleness this year.  I have been intentional about looking at some things that I have not before.  I have allowed some space for me to grieve my singleness, though I have just scratched the surface it feels different to know that I can.  I have asked others to speak to me about how they experience me as Single.  I have enjoyed my singleness. This program and some things happening in others lives around me has made me look at this area in my life more closely than before.

Some stupid things I hear in being single.
 "Lani do you want to get married?" in case you are wondering the answer: I Have Never Not Wanted to
"Are you dating anyone?" answer: Believe me I will be proud, exciting and thrilled to let everyone in my life know as soon as it happens, I have no desire to keep such things a secret.
"Just be open" i get that people mean well by that, but what does that even mean? and how then am I not open?
"Just enjoy your singleness you'll miss it someday" Easy for others to say, this comment always makes me want to say enjoy your marriage may you relish in it more and more each day that you have someone to witness you life and to call you to more of what you were created to be, that you have someone to take care of you when you are sick, to hang with on a thursday night, someone that knows you inside and out.

Singleness it's just raw sometimes.

Valentines Day

There are so many things I have wanted to write about on my blog but have not been able to have or make the time to sit down and do that.  This semester has been hard to look at. It's been hard to think about all of this ending in a matter of months.  Life is changing and I don't always know how to deal with it.  But I will write more about that soon.

It is Valentines Day.  And it's been quite an enjoyable day.  Yesterday morning I made Banana pancakes for me and my roomie/dear Friend Elizabeth.

They turned out to be quite tasty.  Last year my wonderful Sister-in-law made me a delightful Valentines DAy package and it had the rubber heart shape mold to make these beautiful pancakes.  I think I did a better job on them this year.  

Me and Elizabeth ate our pancakes in bed and had good conversation.

Then last night I got another package from my Sister-in-Law. It was full of such fun crafty things to do an enjoy for Valentines day.  I was able to make candy necklaces for all the girls in my class which was super fun.  She got me so much fun stuff, what I should do is take a picture and add it to this blog.   I love that my sister-in-law thinks of me, and spends time going around getting me fun things to enjoy on Valentines day.  I know it's weird  because I have not had a Valentine in many many years but I enjoy this holiday. Actually I think I just enjoy Holidays because it give me an excuse to decorate, make, or bake something.  I decorated our hallway, which I should post that picture too.  

But I want to thank publicly on my blog my wonderful Sister-in-law who thinks of me and put's together packages for me.  I am touched by your thoughtfulness and kindness.  It meant that world to me to open it and to smile at everything i pulled out.  Warmed my heart. 

I hope that today each of you feels love by someone in some special way!

Happy Valentines Day.

A night in the clinic

So last night there was a big storm.  Clients had canceled and there was only a few of us counseling students left in the clinic and one of our proff's Jim.  After we had evacuated to the hall because the sirens went off we all chilled in the break room.  Jim, Lizzie, Cheryl, Yvette, David, and Me.  I asked Jim what it was like to lose classes and have that transition happening every two years.  Jim said that though it was hard he really enjoys what he does.  He always has trouble liking the first years at first but eventually they grow on him and by the 2nd year he is bonded to them.  In the middle of him talking I realized this was going to be our last time it being just us, just our class hanging out in the break room.  I found myself trying to soak up people's faces, voices, laughs, and the very moment of what my life is right now as a Counseling Student here at RTS.   This place really is something.  These people are quite amazing and they have all impacted my life in some way.  It was a night I want to write down so that I won't forget.  I believe that everyone in my class is going to make some damn good counselors and I know that they will challenge, sit, and care for those with whom they see and journey with.  I am so proud of us and honored to know them and call them my colleagues.  I know I will miss nights like these.  Thank you MAC Class 2011, Thank you RTS, Thank you Jim and Scott. This experience in my life I think will impact me for the rest of my life.