Evening

Right now I sit OUTSIDE! I have been inside most of this day. As I left the clinic tonight walking to my car I said out loud to myself, "What a gorgeous evening". I got home and decided I would sit outside since it's NOT freezing out and soak up this still quiet evening outside. I would have loved to have taken a walk but since it is so late I have opted for sitting on my back lanai with snacks, a book, and some soft tunes.

So then it just felt like time for blogging.

Since the last blog post I have found out that I Failed that Test I was studying for. Today I wonder can I really do this Master's Level Education?. It really is a miracle that I am here. I think people think I am just being hard on myself but the truth is school has never come easy for me. I have struggled with academics my entire life and now more than ever I want this world to work for me, please!

I am thankful for a quick encouraging phone call from my cousin, and a few chats with friends.

Well stay tuned for if I really complete this thing, this Maters of Art in Counseling.

This week I had my first intake, my meeting with a client by myself. It was with a teen.

The words I am using to describe that session is... "Beautifully Intense".

I love teens and getting to work with this client confirmed that in me.

I was explaining it to fellow classmates as a scene from the movie"Hook". There is this scene where this kid walks up to Peter Pan he mushes his face around and says "there you are Peter". Coming out of that room I think I found myself in this counseling setting. It felt great!

So Lani's life continues to be ... many things

Glad to have a some time to be still, quiet, and to sit outside and enjoy the cool night air

Boys and No emotion

Yesterday was a crazy day.

I did not feel well and was full of many FEELINGS. Go figure!

After trying to decided if I was depressed or not while sitting at my work study job. Two boys from my class, Joel & Alec came by. They stopped and said, "looks like death has come over you". I told them how stressed out I was about this exam. Then we stopped talking about my emotions and feelings. And started talking Exam review. They helped me for 2.5 hours. We got things done, accomplished, and studied. It was so nice to put touchy feely stuff on the shelf and just have no emotions.

These boys were so helpful, I started feeling better right after.

Alec was so helpful,kind, and encouraging. I was so blessed by them. And then Alec told me how he gets through class, and studying. I found out we learn they same way.

I thanked Alec, and he said "Lani you would do the same for me". I said " I'm not sure I will be able to do that with these classes". Then he said "Well then maybe you will help me someday in some other way".

I am thankful for times when Boys do no emotion and get things done

Another Big 1st

Today I offically saw my first client!!

So throughout the day I have had a little bit of nervousness. What if she does not come back? what if she cancels? What am I doing here? What?

The break room in the clinic was filled to the brim. I counted one time 15 people in the room and this break room is not a large room. I went got my DVD prep it for recording, came back into the break room and told fellow classmates, "This is my first DVD!! this DVD will hold my first session ever on it!"

Olivia is my 2nd year who is co-counseling with me, and she is just wonderful. We talked about what the evening could look like. As the hour drew near my heart began to race. Secretly a part of me wanted to just leave, but where would I go?... I could feel my self getting worked up with excitement and nervousness. I told Olivia I just need to step outside of the break room and be quiet for a little bit. So a few short min's in the hallway then she comes out and says, "Ready?" Am i ready? inside my head I am thinking NO, but I say yes, I go press record and we walk to get my client.

I was so nervous at first, so many thoughts flooded my mine. I think I even had a little smirk on my face. I kept looking at my client thinking, THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING, I am not watching, I am sitting in this chair, I am not on the couch!

It went better than I thought it could have.

So it begins, I will never again have my first client. This journey takes a turn and now starts a new course. It is a course I am unfamiliar with. I am still not quite sure what I think of this new course. What I do know is at one point during the session I forgot I was with a client in a counseling center. I deeply yarned to know more. In my head I kept thinking more tell me more.

Yet even in this evening of things going better than planned my own insecurities were there to remind me of things.

Ok new course ahead I know you hold things that will shock me, scare me, break me, excite me, bless me, and maybe mold me into someone

Seminary Stress

So I am sitting in a class and feeling the need to express my stress with being here in a Seminary class. I just finished reading the WHOLE book of Genesis, and really tried to remember and learn and keep up with all the important people, Abraham, Lot, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph. I memorized an outlined and felt like ok I am doing this I got this.

I get to class, and so far my prof has not talked at all about the stories of Genesis. ALL we have talked about is the structure the Form, the tradition criticism. DO I NEED TO REALLY care about that? What good is this going to do for my life to know the J, P, E, D? Are you so excited too? UGghhhh I am so frustrated right now.

Often maybe more than 89% of the time I am in these theology classes I feel stupid. I can't answer any questions, I don't know these big words, I can't follow much of what is talked about in class, and I leave always thinking I don't know anything about the Bible.

I read Genesis, things that I think are interesting to ponder: Why did God use circumcision? Why would God use the male penis something so intimate to a man's body? Why not just cut your hair or pierce an ear? I think it's something to notice that God used the foreskin of the male penis to make a powerful statement to his people.

In Genesis women slept with their father's or father-in-law's . One guy spilled his semen on the floor and because he did that God took his life. Men were hocked up, if their wife could not bear sons well then they get to sleep with their servants. I never read "and then his wife offered her servant and her husband refused to sleep with the servant". Abram saw a smoking firepot and a flaming torch pass between two halves of the carcasses (WHAT?). Getting blessed or a blessing from your father was a big deal. Many people got a name change.

My prof just answered my question... Why do I need to know this stuff? Because this stuff is how we know the BIBLE is truth!

ok I am still learning and trying to learn something hear at Seminary... Help me GOD

Thoughts on becoming a nun!

So I know I have not posted in a while. What can I say but my lame excuse of "being a Grad Student".

Due to deep processing through painful memories of life over the past few weeks this post will be of a random thought I have had running through my mind about a week.

The thought: What if I became a nun?

So really have you ever thought about it? Well sincerely I have never had a desire until about a week ago. I was watching Oprah and she had been able to show the behind the scenes life of a nun! I was fascinated.

They spend up to 6 hrs a day praying. What if I did that as part of my daily thing I did? What would transform in me?

They are silent at meals. So yes this would be a hard one especially for me! HELLO. But what if I did spend meals in silence? what would come out of that in this extreme extravert?

They are already married. They know their destiny. What if I knew for certain I will not be married? would that bring a sense of peace? If I became a nun and people knew I was going to be celibate would people then stop asking me "those questions".

Honestly if everyone knew I was a nun I would not be asked, do you want to get married? are you dating anyone? how's the men in your life? don't you want kids?

Nun's they know their future, they live to serve, to give, to be daily saturated in truth, prayer, and meditation. They are married to GOD. They have community with others who share the same desire. They live simply. They seem to be at peace.

don't worry people I am not really going to become a Nun but maybe I would enjoy trying this way of life at sometime if only for a weekend.

I would love to get to sit with some Nun's and hear their words, thoughts, and wisdom.

I hope to someday get to do that

It's really happening!

Yesterday was a big day I wanted to blog so bad yesterday but by the end of the day I did not have the energy to write, or think about any more thoughts. So today I will try and put down my yesterday so I can remember it always.

I awoke on my own at 6a.m. my heart was racing today is the day!! Today is february 2.2.10 my first day to "be in the clinic". I hugged and kissed both my kitties. Turn on some jams, took my time getting ready. I dressed up for the first time in a long time. It was weird to be dressed up going to RTS. I started to get anxious. Why am I so anxious? I go to RTS almost everyday why am I so anxious? oh yea because something new and BIG is happening today. I put on my "wow" heels and head out to a new day of something I have longed to be doing for a long time. As I drive to school I am thinking this is crazy, every time I look down and see my skirt, heels, I get nervous and excited, this is really happening. I get to school and am thrilled to see faces of friends who are embarking on this journey with me. I go to my first class of Spring Semester, Couples Counseling. The classroom seems to be filled with excitement (or maybe just in my mind) we are all together again for a new semester. Couples counseling was like walking on hot coals. I was awe struck by my professor's passion for this topic, he was on FIRE, and it was amazing everything that was coming out of his mouth. I could not type fast enough.

then lunch with Cheryl where laughter and incredible words were exchanged.

then visits from other friends at my work study job. A simple moment with Elizabeth that pulled at tender parts of my heart. (Yes all of this happens in one afternoon here at RTS, its quite common for me to go through a range of emotions in just a few hours)

Then I ran over to the library to say hi to Lizzie and see what time she wants to hang out before our first group supervision. We had a picnic party out in the courtyard, so I went to that and saw and talked to a few people and realized I think this place is feeling more comfortable. Had some yummie food, then met up with Lizzie and hung out for a while.

Then we decided to go hang out in the break room, Lizzie went to get her bag from the library and she told me she would meet me there. I starting walking down this hall that I have walked down too many times to count, but yet today it feels different I am walking to the clinic, the CLINIC!! and then I run into Cheryl real quick, it was less than 2 seconds but i won't forget it. How neat that my walk to the clinic I see the smile on the face of a dear friend.

Then standing at the back door to the clinic I hoping i would not forget the code, but of course I do. Then from behind me comes Zach and I was like I knew I was going to do it wrong, he says, "you will have plenty of time to get it right". I walk into the clinic and I see the faces, of some great wonderful second years. Quiana, April, Kim, Rachel, I walk into the break room and all I can do is smile. I put my stuff down and try and find my cubbie. Then they all to leave to see clients and I am alone for a little while in the break room.

A flood of emotions comes over me. I am standing in the break room of my MY counseling program. I looking at pictures of people I know, I am seeing computers I will work on, couches that will hold memories of my own. I am actually in a counseling program! I made it. I start to tear up a little. Many of you know how many schools I applied to, visited, got rejected from. And I can't express to you what yesterday felt like.

Then we had group supervision and I am sitting among others who have such a passion for people. Fellow classmates who have such incredible stories that I get to hear. I love my group supervisor, and I feel actually too lucky to be able to have Roger. My first group supervision was incredible I am still thinking of things he talked about and we talked about. I feel safe in this group and that feels GREAT!!

hung out with a few 2nd years for a little bit, and then went home, sat down and let the day and it's memories wash over me.

Pinch me, is it really happening?!

Sun Mister Golden Sun

Mister Sun I have missed you. I have missed feeling hot, my arms warm, my face feeling sun on it. I miss the color in my legs. I seriously LOVE the sun!. I LOVE warm weather, with a breeze please.

Many of you know, but went to Freezing Minnesota for the Holidays, to return to Florida's most coldest winter since the 60's, YEAH just my luck right! so Lani who loves the Sun has missed her Mister Sun for quite sometime, and then this weekend Mr Sun revealed himself to me.

This weekend I got to enjoy being outside. I went on a jog yesterday with my dear Friend Elizabeth on a trail. This trail had me forgetting I was in Florida.

I wanted so badly to just lay out in the sun. I miss going to the beach. I Miss laying out in the sun. When laying out I find that i allow myself to relax, chill, not think so much, and just enjoy some tunes, and taking in the view, or conversation.

Since I had quite a few things to do yesterday I opted for washing my car. It was so fun to turn the radio on and get to scrubbing away while soaking up some sun. My neighbour's were out and got to chat with quite a few of them even made some dinner plans. I think everyone was happy to be able to be outside.

Then last night, and this morning it rained.

Mister Sun SUn Mister Golden Sun please shine down on me