A big thing

A big thing happened in my family this past week. My parents who have been living in the Philippines for the past 4 years moved back to the untied states of America. Dallas Texas to be exact.
It still hasn't quite sunk in that this really happened. It feels like they are just on another trip back to visit.
This was why I wanted to be in Texas to be close to my parents. It has been bitter sweet knowing this day is here. Sweet in that they are back but bitter in that I still have significant travel time to see them.

But they are on their way here to Birmingham to see me for the weekend. It will be an adventure for sure. We will be sleeping air mattresses. I am not sure how we will eat meals or even what it will look like to chill in the apartment with my limited seating. But I think my missionary parents can handle it. I mean they have had to sleep on floors in foreign counties .... This will be nothing ... Right?

I do wish I had a bed for them, a room for them,a table with chairs, and apartment that felt more like my home.

I am so glad they are coming.
I am glad they got to go to the philippines.
I am so very glad they are back.

Welcome Home Mom and dad!

Positive for People Pleasing

I have officially been employed for three weeks now.  This week I have taken on 13 clients.  It has been an interesting couple of weeks.  Not only have I moved, and tried to get settled into a new life, but in starting a new job also means learning the culture with in a work place. Some days this leaves me more exhausted in trying to figure out what that culture is than actually working with the clients.  Honestly, It probably has a lot to do with my constant struggle of being a full-blown “People Pleaser”.

Though I have been through graduate school and worked on many areas of my life I still at the end of the day struggle intensely with being a “People Pleaser”.  I have noticed that   with each Client that walks into my office I think,  “I want them to like me”. Other thoughts that are loud in my head, “I hope I do something more from them than anyone else has”… no wait the honest truth of what I say in my head really is,  “I am going to rock this clients world more than their last counselor”… pray for me I still am in need of much help. 

There are some phrases I hear around me that just bug the crap out of me. 

“Think Positive”

“I am over it”

“That’s in the past”

“You just need to _____”

If just thinking Positive thoughts really changed people believe me my Job would not be a profession.  There is more to healing and living in this fallen world than just THINKING positive.  We were not created to merely think. 

Really you are “over it”? Really? If one is so called “over it” whatever that means, I don’t think it would need to be said.  Wasn’t it said in Scripture “AS you pass through the waters I will be with you” not “Jump over the Waters!”

What is the point of talking about the present if you can’t talk about the past? If we are to remember the stories of the Old Testament and the New Testament then what is the harm in remembering in our lives what has been, what is, and what will be?  If you are unable to talk about something in your past that is left in the past my twisted advice REVISIT it!

Huh? Reading through this post I am wondering if I need to change my blog title from “Lani’s Life” to Dairy of a Mad White Women…

2nd Day on the Job

I started my new job yesterday.  I am working at a Methadone Clinic.  It is a out patient treatment center for individuals that are addicted to drugs.  Methadone allows some relief from the symptoms that start to kick in once you haven't had a hit in a while or a day.  It basically is a way for people that are addicted to drugs to function, to take care of their kids, or hold a job.
It will be a learning experience... but it still is not counseling.  It is more case management.  Which is what I was trying to avoid doing since I am not a social worker I am a counselor.  I will be able to provide some counseling but it's not the primary focus of treatment.  And did I mention that you don't need a masters to do this job? I have wrestled with some thoughts that run through my head.  "Why did I move to Alabama when I could have done this job... anywhere?"
The staff is super friendly and helpful, but I find at times my heart twisting for brief moments.... this is not what I really want to be doing......
I have been shadowing other Counselors.  Yes technically my position is called "Substance Abuse Counselor" though the counseling is a small piece of what we are doing, a very small piece.  I find that as I observe intakes or counselors meeting with patients I want to ask more questions and get into those dark places they briefly mention.  But that is NOT the job, the job is to get the information, get their signatures so you can move onto the next patient.

I look forward to the day when I will have a office that will be a counseling office.  Where I will be able to sit with others and ask about the details and it will be my job to do so.

I start the job at 5:30 a.m. so I am up at 4:15ish it's a early start to the day.  But it's a quite time that early, and hardly anyone is on the road so it only takes me about 12 min's to get there.  It hurts a little though.  Each morning I kind of wake up a little angry.  But each morning I arrive there are already patients lined up waiting.  It's a busy morning from 5:30 - 11:00 basically for those hours it's  some what organized chaos.  But I will say with that much going on I forget what time of the morning it is.

I guess knowing that this is just a step to getting where I want to be I find that I am not putting too much pressure on myself.  Which has been nice.

This is a somewhat random way to end this post.
 I realize that my grammar and spelling are not very good.  I know that on this blog there are probably many of you that would like to put red ink to many of my posts.  I am going to be taking some time to try to work on those things.  To be honest I have struggled with my grammar, spelling and punctuation my entire life.  But I guess though I don't write correctly or with the best grammar I find that blogging and writing has been something I really enjoy doing.  Please know that I am aware of my writing issues but in this space there lies no red ink and I think because I am not graded in this space it gives me freedom to write as I wish.  It's a little place where writing allows me to experience something that only lies in the new earth.... NO RED INK....

Thankful and weary

There is this word I learned in Graduate school that I find tends to sum up my life and how I feel often.  The word is "Ambivalent" it is feeling two things at once.  So I am ambivalent today.

I am thankful. This past month I was blessed with so many thoughtful cards, gifts, and generous giving from people.  I am thankful for people taking time to write me, call me, or put together a gift and send it to me.  I know those things take time and money.

I am weary.  Many of you know I got a job.  I got a job working as a substance abuse counselor at a Methadone clinic.  I start on Monday and the hours are 5:30 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.  I am so glad to have a way to make some income, and yet I am weary.  I will make less money at this job than I did my first job out of college.  This position does not require a masters degree.  I will only get a few hours to count towards becoming liscened.  But it is a job, and it will be an experience to add to my resume.  I am thankful for having a job after being unemployed for 8 months!
I am once again going to meet new people, learn a new way of how another office runs, and adjust to another change... these thoughts leave me weary and tired.

I have had the opportunity to talk to a few others that have graduated from RTS counseling program and everyone says that the first year out was the hardest.  One friend I talked with said that she believes that there is something Holy in the mundane.  So if she is right than maybe this whole season that has been and seasons that will be is something far greater about ... dare I say it.... Holiness.

Christmas and Birthday

So this year due to where I am in this season of life everyday I have received a Christmas card it has meant so much to me.  Everyday since December 1st I have received many beautiful Christmas cards.  I receive this cards as a actual gift! so I decided how can I display my gifts like you would with those under a tree.  Here is what I came up with one night

Thank you so much to each of you who has sent me a Christmas card I look at them every single day and smile at all the kind words, and beautiful faces that are in my life as family and friends.  Thank you for taking time to make a card and send it my way I treasure them a lot especially this year.

So then I decided I needed to do something fun with my birthday cards I got and here is what the other side of my bed room windows (with out curtains) looks like

Aren't they beautiful.  The top cards are made by kiddos.  The far left is made by Isaac Young and the one's on the right are made by my new community group's triplets Wells, Ann Lawson, and Holland.

What a gift to receive so many birthday cards from all across the country.  Thank you for showing me such love I appreciate it.  Your love and kindness leaves me speechless for how I really feel.

Every night this week I have had something going on at my new Church it's called Red Mountain.  

Sunday night I went to a Ornament exchange which was so much fun

Monday got together with some girls for a mass cookie decorating party we seriously frosted cookies for almost 4 hours. It was so fun and hilarious.  And don't worry we had three delicious bottles of wine to keep us hydrated and to spread Christmas cheer. 

Last night was our Hymn Sing and it was so beautiful.  They had a table at the back with hot drinks and cookies which you could grab any time you wanted even during a hymn.  It was so neat children were running around some laughing some chasing each other and others crying.  And we just sang hymns while life happened around us.  It's so easy going at this church children no matter their state are not a bother mom's aren't rushing after their kids they just sit with ease and we all smile.  It was a neat evening we sang hymn after hymn telling the story of Jesus.  It gave me chills. In fact I feel this advent season has meant more to me than ever before.  I am in a state of longing deep longing for many things... 

a life, a job, a bed, a husband, hope, love, faith, relief, a home, comfort, passing a test, ....

It is a different holiday season I am not shopping for Christmas gifts, I am not packing a suitcase, I am not planning a big meal, I am not trimming a tree or doing tons of baking. So this holiday season the things that have matter the most have been words people have wrote, phone calls, hugs, and advent.

Come oh Long Expectant Jesus 

30 and thriving

Well I was able to get new wheels.  A man who is so kind in helping people with cars named Dick Bergam in Wycliffe sells cars to Missionaries and others for deals and he is sure reliable.  So after many conversations my parents and I decided it would be best for me to go to Texas to get a car.  My parents had miles on Delta so I was able to fly for free to Dallas. It was a quick visit but I got to see a lot of great friends and get to storage for a few more things.  It was nice to just have a car again.
I drove back to alabama a few days later with yet again another loaded car.


I continue to apply to jobs every day and try to use resource I have to get some where.  I did go in for a second interview at a youth home last friday and while it was good it just would be a hour drive to and from the job and it would be working with At-Risk youth.  And it would require taking on managing staff as well.  So it would be a lot of responsibility, but it would be a job!

 This past Saturday I got a chair!! meet my new piece of furniture, I got it off of Criaglist and it does have a slight smoke smell but hey I got it for $40.00 from this sweet family and I love it oh yah and having something to sit on.

 it's just my size my feet can touch the floor when i sit in it.

I was able to get this sweet gift due to family members giving to me so graciously this Christmas.

My 30th Birthday was actually a busy day.  I just joined a small group at my Church and they were having a brunch Sunday morning.  So I got to go and meet a few of the people. The leaders are this sweet couple who have 6 year old triplets and a 2 year old.  They kids all made me birthday cards which was so touching since they had never meet me.  And they have a tradition in their home that when it's your birthday you eat off a "It's your Special Day" plate.  So I ate my breakfast on the special plate.

After break fast we all just hung out for hours just talking.  I got to even jump on the trampoline with the kids and laugh and play we counted jumps and played follow the leader.  It felt great that even at 30 I can still enjoy life's young at heart moments.

Then there was a dessert, I was just thinking that we were having dessert. They came out with cupcakes and 30 candles I was so touched.  Beth and Adam my friends here had brought them over for me they even bought the candles.

the 0 is missing because their 2 year old little son Fletcher wanted to lick a candle!

So how great I had cupcakes ice cream, Mimosa's, coffee, and had birthday cards drawn for me.  It was a great start to my 30's.

I then came home and called some friends and family and opened a few gifts that friends had sent.

Here is my new scarf from my Auntie Linda and Uncle Steve I love it

I am honored and touched by many of who graciously and generously gave to me this year.  Some of you gave by your prayers, others by calls, by cards, and some with financial gifts that I feel totally unworthy of.  THank you I Thank you from the pits of my weary soul.  Thank you for giving me a ray of light a ray of Hope of believing when I can't seem to see any thing worth believing in.  I am blessed and gifted with you dear reader, with your time to read this blog, with your love for me and interest in my life.  Thank you for your gift of love and friendship to me.

I am forever grateful 

No curtains

So there are many things I do not have right now. But one is that I don't have curtains or blinds.  My bedroom windows are the one's I wish I had some sort of curtain or blinds on.
It would be nice since I don't have to get up early for anything to not have the sun shining in on me.
It would be nice to not have to always change in the bathroom.
It would just be nice to have curtains.

Today I realized that my small bathroom has turned into a sort of closet for me, and it's just annoying sometimes to have clothes hanging where I really need my hand towel hanging. But I figure the steam from taking hot showers has to help my clothes stay cleaner which is nice because I don't have a washer dryer.  Many apartments here don't come with washer dryers.  So I have been doing the laundry mat thing and in some ways it's nice but some times like when you just need to wash something right away it's kind of annoying.

I guess I am feeling kind of annoyed today.  I realized today that I have literally watched seasons change and I still don't have a real life.  I have a life in that I have moved somewhere, I have a life in that I have a church I go to, Friends to hang out with, but what I do......I still don't know.  I have watched people enjoy summer, I have seen kids go back to school.  I have watched the season's happen around me the stores decorating for Halloween to Christmas and I still have no life, no job.  Some people probably would envy me I mean I have nothing to do each day and holidays are no different to me than Tuesdays. My Saturdays from Thursday's are no different.  They have not really been that different for a long time. I am sure someday I will look back on this post and wish I had days filled with nothing to do but for now I am just ready to be in a routine and to be back in a world of work days.