A quote

"At the heart of all beauty lies something inhuman..." -Camus

A friend shared this quote with me yesterday and it left me speechless.

The last 24 hours have felt like a whirl wind. Due to feeling crazy I decided it would be good to read from my favorite book I am reading for school right now "Not The Way Its Suppose To Be". As I read I thought I need to put this in my blog. Here are some words from what I read today.

"The story of the fall tells us that sin corrupts: it puts asunder what God had joined together and joins together what God had put asunder. Like some devastating twister, corruption both explodes and implodes creation, pushing it back towards the "formless void" from which it came." -

"What are some features of this flourishing? As Christians see her, a spiritually whole person longs in certain classic ways. She longs for God and the beauty of God, for Christ and Christlikeness, for the dynamite of the Holy Spirit and spiritual maturity. She longs for spiritual hygiene itself- and not just as a consolation prize when she cannot be rich and envied instead. She longs for other human beings: she wants to love them and be loved by them. She hungers for social justice. She longs for nature, for its beauties and graces, for the sheer particularity of the way of a squirrel with a nut. As we might expect, her longings dim from season to season. When they do, she longs to long again.

She is a person of character consistency, a person who rings true wherever you tap her. She keeps promises. She weeps with those who weep and, perhaps more impressively, rejoices with those who rejoice. She does all these things in ways that express her own personality and culture but also a general "mind of Christ" that is cross-culturally unmistakable."

... her longings dim from season to season. When they do, she LONGS to LONG AGAIN... SHE LONGS to LONG AGAIN... long again...

Those kinds of moments

Ever have those kinds of moments you didn't expect? I had one of those this morning. I got on Face book, which I have a love hate relationship with Face Book. I didn't expect to see so many great photos of my friends and the level of cuteness of my friends kids are dressed up for Halloween. I got to see my Niece Dressed up as Alice in Wonderland, those pic's make me smile. It was a moment I didn't expect.

Then another picture of someone else who got married. This particular picture caused a moment I didn't expect, anger, sadness, hurt...

Somehow it hurts more to see pictures of people getting married when they have only been single from their first marriage for such a short time. Why does it hurt more? I am not sure, but it does. I didn't expect to have this wave rush over this morning, NO Not right now ...please

Then I checked my e-mail and got some of the sweetest comments from important people in my life. I didn't expect the kindness. I didn't expect to be so loved, cared and comforted by simple easy to say words. These people were just leaving comments and somehow they came at just the right time in my day, when I needed to know just one more time I am Loved, I am thought of, I am enjoyed.

Termination

There sometimes comes this time in counseling where things will change between you and a client. There comes the end. We refer to this in the counseling world as "Termination" . I sometimes wish there was a better word to describe this event. Termination sounds so harsh, so final, so not warm & fuzzy.

Sometimes clients choose when to end counseling. Other times situations in their lives determine when the end is. I know that one can't be in counseling forever but i wonder when is it ever "The Right Time" to end?

The program I am in here at RTS uses a "Relational Model" which I am all about except that with this model comes enduring pain and loss. I am taught to build a relationship with my clients, to do relationship in the room so that healing can happen. The problem is that I really do. Relationship really does happen I get attached to them I learn about their stories. Sometimes I laugh with Clients, other times I cry with Clients. We really do RELATIONSHIP in those rooms. In fact, the other day a classmate shared with a look of sadness that a client had terminated. Seeing the sadness on my classmates face meant that they had let relationship happen as well. I guess we really are at some level attached to those we sit with.

So because we do relationship with Clients then when they leave it hurts like in a real relationship. I didn't know that this would happen no one told me I would miss clients. BUT I DO. There are some clients that I miss sitting with, I wonder about them, I wonder how life is going for them. In relationships like my family or friends, when our time together has ended I can call them up, shot them a e-mail, or make plans to see them again someday. But with Clients I don't have that opportunity.

I just am left with wonder and hope for their lives.

Being Present

"Just be Present" these are words I hear often in my counseling program. I get used to hearing words like, be present, be curious, bring it into the room. Somehow I feel I get stuck in a routine or wonder if by saying or thinking about these words too much they loose their value. The other day I was doing reading for one of my classes and came across some words I thought needed to be posted in my blog, if not for you my reader for me someday to look back on get it's value.

This is from the "Catalyst On line" Titled: A present Grace: The relational bedrock of Pastoral counseling and care.

"The process of transformation in a person's life is not a fast one, and witnessing to God's love, grace, and forgiveness is less about words and more about a relational experience. As people experience love, grace, empathy, patience, and forgiveness in relationships, rather than merely words, they are profoundly impacted. Giving advice often comes too quickly and easily. Advice, when given, should come out of a prolonged time of being present with the other person. The difficulty with being present with someone, for most pastors and counselors, is the loss of control it entails and the anxiety it brings up about one's inability to "fix" others or ourselves.

Attempting to fix situations is much easier than sitting on the mourner's bench with the person."

From the book: Not The Way It's Suppose to Be,

"Everything's supposed to be different than what it is here". - Mac in Grand Canyon

Other great books I am reading for this class:

Theology The Basics By Alister E. McGrath

Not The Way It's Suppose To Be By Cornelius Plantinga Jr.

Can you tell I am a Seminary student?

A Train Ride

Why is it that the sound of the engine, the swaying of the car, and the rushing of the scenery while riding a train makes me feel so old world? How come we don’t ride train’s more often? I love my independence and the convenience of driving my car, but right now riding this train the world seems to slow down if only for a few moments as I listen to this train car rattle . Outside I see bright, orange, yellow, red, fall tress move past my window like some long beautiful, on going painting. Sitting on this train makes me want to write. Write my life, write my thoughts. Hearing the train horn and the stillness in this train car feels good to my soul.

I am riding this train into the great city of Chicago where I will be attending my former roomie and dear friend from Hawaii Stephanie Lawson’s wedding. I will be the maid of honor for the third time in my life. Each and every time has been just what it’s called a true “honor”. So sitting in the seat next to me is my brides maid dress, just chilling. I will get off this train walk a mile near the magnificent mile and get on another train that will take me to Stephanie’s parents house.

I am on fall break from school, and have taken a few of my vacation days from the clinic to have a vacation. I spent the last 5 days visiting my cousin and her new addition to her family. I think it’s amazing that while our lives are at two very different places we still need each other and want to be involved and in the know of what are lives our like. The bond I have with my cousin might be better thought as more of a sister type bond. She is the only person outside my immediate family that has known me my whole life and has kept up with my life happenings all my life. She is a Great mom. I can say this because I witnessed it all week long. But she is also a dear sister/friend.

While in IN I got to see and visit Michael and Suzanna Cover. I have known Michael since 7^th grade. I had not seen him for almost 5 years. It was so neat to sit with a friend and his wife and get to talk about life. It's neat to sit with people who really want to know about your life. It’s in moments like these that cause me to take awe of how crazy and amazing life is.

I wonder what it’s like for these people living near this rail road hearing the sound of it's horn several times a day. Out my window I saw an older lady sitting on her porch and she was waving at the train, I wonder how many times has she done that today? Will i ever get to live in a place where I will experience all 4 seasons.

Well going to close my computer and enjoy taking in the view and the moment of feeling old world like.

Summer of Weddings

This past weekend I went to my dear Friend in my counseling program Miranda's wedding. As I sat at the weddding ceremony I started adding up how many weddings I have been to this summer. That number would be 5! 5 weddings just this summer, and i am in another wedding this October for my former roomie Stephanie in Chicago. It has been really fun to be apart of so many people's big day. I love getting to celebrate with friends. It has been fun to see how each couples personality comes out in the wedding. Each wedding has been different and so them. The amount of time and creative juices that each couple put into their wedding day is astounding. I want to thank my lovely mom who bought me the dress I wore to all these weddings, YES I did I wore the same dress every time. So total weddings Lani has gone to since junior year of high school .... 79 weddings.