Bombs and Broken

Sitting at my work study job and can not focus on getting school work done. So i thought maybe I should blog. Maybe if I share some thoughts they won't sit in my head, and I can get other things done that I need to.

Don't expect to much from this entry ** Warning, it's not a happy entry**

These past few days have felt like bombs landing in my life in the most oddest of ways. Each one has left me in a state of broken. I feel like parts of my life have exploded and they are lying around in broken pieces, and I can't help but do nothing with them but just kind of stare at them. As I look at these pieces, I am pondering, crying, shocked, sad, overwhelmed, hurt, numb, dumb founded, in denial, confused, pushing away, stuffing, trying to cover up, and dare i say in some sort of sick way, AMAZED. It's kind of like when you see a accident and you can't help but look.

These bombs and broken pieces I will not forget or walk away from.

Some random thoughts on my mind:

1. It's sometimes is too small of a world

2. Knowing things

3. Practice of confidentiality

4. Struggle with feelings shared, and feelings hidden

5. WHY??!!!???

6. REALLY ???!!!??

7. Nope

8. Stop mind, stop

9. Loving can hurt

10. FALLEN world i will forever never understand you

What I DON'T & DO miss about Hawaii

Today I was driving into School/work and thought this is crazy I get in my car and within 15 min I am at my destination!

What I don't miss about Hawaii and honestly thank God for everyday is the TRAFFIC!!!

I don't miss leaving my house and hour and half early to drive my 16 miles to work.

I don't miss sitting 3 hours a day in my car.

I don't miss driving all over the island for certain things.

I don't miss only one main Highway.

I don't miss my everyday life of sitting in TRAFFIC!!!

What I do Miss?

I miss people, I miss my friends, my co-workers, my hanai family, my old apartment, my church

I miss GOOD beaches

I miss eating good sushi, dining with live music, seeing the sun-set, korean food, Shoyu Chicken, my Li hing Mui slurppy, snorkeling, and I miss the mountains

in the process of learning things I enjoy about ORLANDO.... that list will have to be later

Jogging Gestures

I have started jogging often since being in grad school. I have noticed it helps my mood, feelings, stress levels, probably even my body chemicals.

Usually I get home watch some Oprah and then go out for my evening jog/walk. And every person you come across they or you say "Hi" it's very common here to be quite friendly and greet those you walk by.

It is Fall and the time changed and what used to be my regular time to go out it is now quite dark. I feel rushed to get out for my jog after getting home from my long days at school.

The last two morning I have awaken at 6:00 A.M. so I have gotten up and jogged. It has been an amazing way to start my day. Today I was jogging and I noticed there are quite a few people out jogging but this is a whole different crowd. I have yet to hear someone say "Hi" what I have noticed is people do the lift of the hand ever so slightly and get back to their workout. I couldn't help but laugh a little. I think the AM people are more serious about their fitness, in fact I have hardly seen any walkers. It is mostly runners and bikers. SO this morning I was like ooo maybe I am in the cool jogging hour crowd. I noticed this when I arrived home that I had not walked at all this morning.

So when I want to have a serious jog/run I will be inspired by the morning bunch

What I will say

I just arrived back last night from a Dan Allender conference. I spent that past few days thinking, listening, pondering, talking, processing... Sex Abuse. So needless to say I dont know what all this blog will say for now.

I will try and express that which I feel I will about such a topic and what that experience was like maybe in time but there is nothing certain in what words God will provoke me to write about that experience and if I can even put words to what all was on my mind, heart, and in my being.

The conference was something.

One of my favorite parts was my breaks getting to walk outside and listen... talk with my dearest cousin... and just get some energy out. On one of my walks around the church where the conference was I noticed this little tent. It was "the smoke shack" area. I loved it, I couldn't help walking away smiling, I love that this church has a area for people's addictions to be acted out at church, It was something about this conference though not about Sex Abuse, is something I will never forget.

It was good and yet difficult that my counseling class was there. I was thankful for some safe relationships I have made in this group that I was so glad those people were just physically there.

The weekend ended with a great memory. My dear friend and classmate Elizabeth said as we were waiting after it was done, "I just want to lay in the grass" I was like yes lets do it. So we did, we laid in the grass under a big tree and looked up at the beautiful blue sky and watched. We talked and were silent, It was such a neat way to relax, rejoice and delight in something fun, playful and beautiful.

As it came to a close with a great car trip back with sweet company of memories thus far, a glass of my favorite sparkling wine I am pondering my hearts comfort in new friendships

Random Fun Night

Yesterday after school I was at home packing, and getting ready for a conference I am going to today for the next 3 days. I was bored at times and was feeling like I wish I had something to do with someone like right now! but this is a busy week at school and many of us are getting ready for this conference. And quite honestly I needed to be working on a paper that is due next week.

I looked at my phone and noticed i had several missed calls. Check my messages and a dear College friend ANDY MINA said he just landed in Orlando and will be here for the next day. Ok it's 9:00 P.M. when I get this message. My logical side said "you are busy, get to bed, write you paper...." My Fun side said "It's like college going out at 9:00 and being tired tomorrow will be SO worth it" . I call Andy back an with in the hour we were hanging out at the Cheesecake Factory having drinks, food and laughing.

I have been thinking the last few days of my life in Hawaii, my drive, my house, my life there. As I was driving to meet Andy I was like This, this is why living on the mainland is so great. No one hardly ever drops by Hawaii, but the fact that I have been here 4 months and already seen more than 7 close friends is so rich to my soul.

THIS was a moment of it being worth is to be living on the MAINLAND

It was a fun, Late evening talking of memories. I am tired today but it was SOOOO worth it!

P3 and B2

Today in conversation the P3 and B2 was discussed

this:

Place

Provokes

your Pathologies

it also:

Brings

Beauty

I am finding here only in this place I talk and say things like, "a circus in my head", "The elephant has a hippo on it's back and the giraffe is on the hippo saying PICK Me! "

But the other odd, and crazy thing is here at this place people get what I am saying. Only here in this place can I say things that to the outside world would not make sense.

Today a little relief has come to my gut and in saying words, crazy thoughts, and feelings out loud..... and...... I am sitting in a little less.

What this place is doing is hard, uncertain, unknown. But I think to look at this very blog in 2011 will maybe bring a little bit of comfort to my heart. You made it!

I hope some of these feelings I will never forget

Race for the Cure

Last sunday I ran the "Race for the Cure" it was a 5k. It was an amazing experience to be apart of. I have done other races, but never this one. It was kind of emotional. People were able to wear on their backs who they were running for. It was touching every time I would read some one's name. Then the last 1/2 mile they had signs of women who were remembered, mothers, sisters, daughters, friends. It was hard I was running reading the signs and trying not to CRY!. I was greeted at the last min of the race by my dear friend Cheryl. It was so neat she ran the last bit up to almost the finish line with me. Then after finishing we walked around to the vendors and went into the stadium where the survivors were recognized. It was a "Chicken Skin" moment and was very touching to watch and be a part of. Cheryl is a dear friend of mine here at RTS she is also in my class for the counseling program.

I think I will be doing this race again.

I do hope and pray that in my lifetime we do find "A CURE"!!!